December

Assalamualaikum..
Hey there Hidayah.
I heard you're doing great. You are simply living your life. Start enjoying everything that happened around you.
It's already December. You know how you feel about December. December always mean starting of something new.
2015 is somehow a great year for you especially after your biggest downfall in your life. You were never that down but I believe you are a strong women. So strong that I can't even believe you are that strong. Afterall, I am proud of what you have been.
Earlier this year, you had your convocation day and finally you've started working at somewhere you never imagine working but even now, you never regret coming here and as I said, you are enjoying life.
Alhamdulillah.
That's all I can say for you. You deserve this.
To be happy again, independently.
Actually not independently, you are very dependant on your family and bestfriends. They are your utmost support system. You had never appreciate them as much as you do now. You are realizing how much your family loves you, how hurt they were to see you hurting and only you know how much you love them.
And now, you've find few more friends into your circle here. A friend that hold you like a family when we all are so far from our family.
You are blessed and loved there and I know you are happy.
You experience a lot of things these year. You met a lot of people here with so many dramas. Someone came in and out of your life. Some people were sent to test you, and made you realized on what's happening on you last year. You understand how exactly (not exactly but yeah) feelings can change and how people could fall in love with someone's belong to others. And you learn to be tough with yourselves and only accept love you think you deserves. Promise me, you'll never hurt another women with the same way you were hurt before. You made that promise and you are strong enough to fulfilled that promise.
Sometimes you were still bothered on the mistakes you've done that brings to the end of your relationship. Sometimes you even have the urge to ask him about the mistakes you've done but you have learnt to forgive him and mostly yourself, although you're not even sure about him forgiving you or even himself but you hope and you know, he is happy and you are happy for that and you hope he is praying for your happiness too. Afterall, we are still part of each other happy memories once.
Just when you were reminded on those day that hurt you, remember that today you are surrounded with happiness. My dear, those past had thought you to be tough and to became who you are today. You are precious, Hidayah and great things are coming your way. InsyaAllah.

Chasing

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta ku dapat..

I have stop chasing
What I thought was happiness
I have stop chasing people
Stop depending on people
And mostly stop hoping.
People are frustrating and hopeless.
I have stop wanting people to stay
And believing people will stay.
I had enough of being second.
Second choice, second chance.
I want to be someone choice to be with.
Someone's only choice.

Tunggu

Sampai bila?
Sampai dah sedia.
Kosong.
Aku faham.
Aku tak sedia.
Mungkin.
Nanti akan tiba.
Semua sama.
Sampai masa ada yang akan buktikan berbeza.
Sabar.
Ya. Mungkin.
Andai aku mampu intai masa hadapan,
Tapi aku masih ingin disini,
Melihat masa-masa dan detik-detik dari masa hadapan itu menjadi masa kini.
Sabar dan baca cerita yang Tuhan tulis untuk kamu,
Jangan hanya mahu melihat muka surat akhir.
Eh, bukan muka akhir itu mati?

Kuat

Tahu mengapa aku selesa begini?
Sendiri dengan skandal halusinasi.
Gembira hanya dengan dunia rekaan.
Tanpa harapan, tanpa erti.
Ya. Tanpa pengharapan.
Harapan tu memusnahkan.
Aku sendiri melihat musnahnya manusia yang paling aku sayang kerana harapan.
Aku sendiri merasa musnahnya AKU kerna harapan.
Jangan tanya aku bagaimana aku kuat.
Aku. Aku.
Kau. Engkau.
Cuma bak kata mereka semua pada aku
'Lihatlah sekelilingmu dan bukalah mata hatimu. Lihat siapa yang menyayangimu dan siapa memusnahkanmu.'
Aku melihat lebih jelas dari manusia lain.
Aku melihat dari sudut dulu dan sekarang.
Aku melihat besarnya luka yang pernah tercipta.
Bagaimana ia berdarah tanpa henti, hingga lukanya kering dan akhirnya berparut.
Aku tak mahu bergantung pada manusia dan berharap kembali yang ada manusia yang mampu menghilangkan parut itu hingga bersih.
Pengharapan itu permainan penipuan yang cukup tajam.
Cukuplah dulu.
Kalau benar mahu merawat, jangan kau sentuh luka yang lama, takut parut lama cedera kembali dan mungkin kali ini lebih besar dari dulu.

Pintu Hati

"Kadang-kadang, kau kena buka pintu hati kau"
Itu kata mereka kepada aku.
Bukan aku tak nak buka pintu hati aku,
bukan aku tak beri mereka peluang,
tapi aku memang tiada rasa.
Semua rasa hilang.
Mungkin sebab dulu pernah memberi peluang,
pintu itu pernah terbuka luas,
tapi segala rasa diragut dan dibawa pergi,
hingga kini belum kembali.
Tidak, aku tak pernah mahu kembali pada yang telah membawa segala rasa itu.
Aku mahu rasa sesuatu yang refreshing.
Satu rasa yang tidak pernah lagi aku rasa.
Tak mahu yang dulu.

"kadang-kadang, rasa itu akan hadir, pada yang pasti, pada yang asli dan bukan lagi pada yang palsu. Sabarlah, kalau ada, ada. Ia tetap akan hadir satu masa nanti"

Ya, itu kata aku pada mereka.
Jika kau tidak sabar melihat aku bahagia,
Aku sendiri tidak sabar melihat diriku bahagia.
Doakanlah.
Aku juga sedang berusaha.
La Hawla Wa La Quwwata Illa Billah.

Maturity

Assalamualaikum..
Less than a month for November.
November is my favorite month.
Probably because it my birth month but other than that,
November is a month that feel like Home.
It feels like I am where I belong.
So, how's life now Hidayah?
Few ups and downs,
Few conflicts here and there,
but right now,
I'm enjoying life.
I enjoy being here.
Here, in Tawau, Sabah.
It makes me feel like an adult.
People told me, I'm mature and independent.
But right now is when I myself admit that I am most mature and independent.
Last week, we make a gathering at my house.
We make preparation and cook for all the staffs by ourselves.
How proud I feel to did this event and that feeling you get when everyone satisfied with our food,
bliss and blessed.
Alhamdulillah, for this life right now.
I have a group of people here that love me and take care of me.
These people that spend their time to hear my rant, went everywhere and experiencing new thing with me.
Taking care of previously a stranger in a strange land,
surely make us a new family.
I have this kakak, who is pregnant with her first child,
her morning sickness was really bad, but at our little jamuan,
she ate a lot.
She said, rasa seronok sangat dapat makanan semenanjung.
And since then, every weekend, we'll gather at our house (since my house is big),
and we'll cook and give to that kakak.
We have a lot of other activities.
Badminton every week, visiting places of interest,
trying new food,
and mostly, just spending time with each other although we might just do nothing.
Owh, how can I leave this place in another 7-8 months.
One year surely will went by so fast.

Me: tiap minggu kita ni ada je aktiviti bersama-sama.. Keluar try itu, ini..Jalan sana sini.. Agak2 kalau kita kat semenanjung mahu kena marah dengan parents kan?

Housemate: Memanglah..Agaknya sampai tak kenal rumah kot..

Me: Tulah..Bila dah kat sini, walaupon tiap minggu ada aktiviti, atleast bila balik rumah tu perasaan excited dia tu lain.. Rasa tak sabar nak balik rumah, tengok family, tengok parents..

Housemate: Tulah hikmah jauh.. Selalu rasa nak balik, nak balik.. Kalau dekat dengan rumah, tiap minggu kita pegi merantau semua negeri..

I guess,
bila dah bekerja ni,
home is no longer home.
My parents home is now my hometown.
Home is where I work and spend most of the time there.
Home is now here.
And probably next year,
home is somewhere else.

soulmate

it's too calm.
when I see you.
when my whole world is in chaos.
everything stop for a second.
you make me forget everything that happened,
you make me forget the worry I have in my mind,
you still make me smile even after you've left.
but then others came to me to stop me,
I held my two feet on my ground.
It's true,
no matter what I want,
no matter how I feel,
no matter how calm and happy I am,
it is just not right.
This situation is not right.
I'm stuck with believing we are emotionally attached to each other,
there is an attraction that I didn't know from where it came from,
I might be delusional,
maybe I'm just a lil bit lonely,
this isn't right.
Our situation now is not right.
No matter how much I feels it to be right,
it is still wrong,
but was there is right and wrong when it comes to fate?
Only He knows the answers.

Blank

So many things happened.
So many things in my head.
But I couldn't even talked about it.
Nor write about it.
Nothing.
Not a word could describe what I'm thinking about and what I feel now.

Thantophobic

Assalamualaikum..

People always leave.
That, is another reason to not to open up to people.
Whenever I told them about my insecurities,
about my dreams,
what I want in life,
something always happened,
and it ended up with a goodbye.
I know I will have to say goodbye too,
but I never thought it was this early.
I'm so used to disappointment and frustration that I just couldn't feel anything anymore.
I gave up on people.
I gave up on those who wanted to know me better,
I gave up on that first hello,
I gave up on all those attention.
I gave up on those deeper conversations,
I gave up on all of the kindness and help.
I gave up.
Because I know I could never depend on someone,
I will never let myself to be dependent at someone.
I'm not allowing myself.
I am independent, I shall not rely on people.
and that is how I don't care to shut people off.
Thanks for all the kindness and help shown.
But in the end, you will still leave.

menduga

Assalamualaikum..

mungkin yang hadir hanya datang untuk menduga..
atau mungkin, aku yang menduga pada yang hadir..

Have you met a person that you just clicked.
A person that makes you feel that you have met them forever?
Have you ever met a person that have a lot of similarities to you, to your past, and even the person closed to them are similar with you?
Have you just met a person that at the first conversation you had with them you just didn't hide anything and wanted to tell them everything?
But deep down you know,
all the similarities, the coincindences, the chemistry are just a test to you and your heart.
It makes you remember what happened in the past,
It makes you stronger in the future.
And you see the reflection of yourself and all of your stories in that person.
A reflection which you hope, you didn't see.
All those chemistry, in the end are just hurting you.
And somehow, those chemistry still make you happy.
There is too much to think about.
There is too much to consider.
Too much, that is too little.
And you keep on wondering,
Why Allah put you there, to meet that person,
to know them.
And both of you know somehow this meeting is just making both of you confused.
This is a battle, I wish I didn't have.
This is a battle between what is right and what is wrong.
I made a promised once, that I will never do the thing that someone else's did to me because I knew how much it hurt and it still hurt.
I know what goes around comes around.
And that what makes me more confused, numb and dumb.
May Allah protect me from what is not for me,
and may Allah give his guidance for this test.
Semua yang jadi, pertemuan, perpisahan, kenapa aku di sini, kenapa aku jumpa seseorang, mesti ada hikmah yang hanya Allah yang tahu sebab dan hikmahnya and if things were meant to happened, no hand will ever can stop things to happened, and if things were not meant to happened, no hands will ever could let it happened. This are the thing that I learnt from my past. Doakan..

Ramadhan.

Assalamualaikum..
So, it's my first Ramadhan without my family for the whole month.
Umi tak bagi balik, lagipon gaji belum dapat lagi. InsyaAllah another 2 weeks.
I'll be home on the night of Syawal itself.
It's okay, I'm adapting.
Living here wasn't that bad.
The environment, this place wasn't that bad.
It is almost like Pekan Kluang but bigger.
Kat sini ada everything too except for Sephora..haha
Ada giant, ada lots of bakeries *and as a bread-lover, I'm super loving it
For me, anywhere you live pon dekat dengan anywhere.
My house to hospital take around 10-15minutes drive,
for local, it was a bit far actually,
but for me yang biasa drive 30-40min from home to workplace,
it was really close.
Dah duduk sendiri ni, I learnt to go to Pasar by myself,
cook for myself,
buying groceries, and managing my accounts.
I used to hate Pasar, but now I went to Pasar every week.
I never know what type of fishes, I just know what it could be cook for,
Ikan kat sini tak sama dengan ikan kat semenanjung,
mostly ikan laut dalam,
but cheaper.
I can get Ikan Selar Kuning RM8/kg..
but the thing that I missed the most was tomato, cherry tomato, celery (tade langsung) and salads.
That is my comfort food but I can't find it here.
I learnt to speak their languages, the slang and mingle around.
Alhamdulillah, my colleagues are okay and some are very friendly.
Well, not all will love us but atleast I met a lot of new friends.
As this place is really small town,
the entertainment aren't that much,
the seniors brought us to watch movies every friday night after works, *Told ya, it wasn't bad in here*,
I've went to few Pulau few weeks after I start working and ofcourse with the seniors.
Thus, afterall, I'm enjoying my new life here.
Alhamdulillah.

A month away

Assalamualaikum.
A post from far away land.
I'm doing fine. Alhamdulillah.
Bak kata abah, "If you are normal people, you'll be okay anywhere you go"
True. I love to repeat this to myself and everyone around me, people will always adapt to changes.
The first day without Umi and Abah, ofcourse I cried a lot.
I remembered how my parents followed me here for the first week, to find me a house, and helping me settle down.
I remembered the last day before both my parents went back to Shah Alam.
How my dad fell quite and suddenly randomly said, "Esok Kak nurul dah sorang-sorang kat sini"
Yeah, abah was the one who was so worried when I told them I will have to go here.
Abah was the one insisted to follow me for the first week. Which I'm glad they followed me here and helped me settle down.
Umi cried too at the airport and ofcourse I cried even before going to the airport.
It just, I can't help but to cry. I'm so far away from home.
It feels like I'm living in the overseas.
But the next morning, it feels like a normal day.
The first few days was the hardest.
You know when you are new to that place, and trying to fit in is so hard.
But somehow, you'll get through it and life become Alhamdulillah better.
What I like the most here is I can wake up early as the sun rises a bit earlier than west Malaysia,
and thus, I can perform Dhuha at home before going to work.
I've been practicing Dhuha for almost a year now, and the result is just wonderful.
It feels like your day is just blessed. I can't explained it but Dhuha is a miracle.
It's not that easy to live here all by myself when I live my whole life with my family,
but being here now, what I learned the most is to try living my life attaching myself only to him.
Only hope for Allah, depend on Allah, asked Allah to protect me and not to human-beings.
Alhamdulillah, with this thought in my mind, heart and soul, all my affair was taken care of. Alhamdulillah.
I just can't stop saying syukur.
And for now, Alhamdulillah. I'm happy.
Alhamdulillah.

WORKING

Assalamualaikum..
And finally I'll start working insyaAllah next week.
I'm leaving Shah Alam and not just Shah Alam.
I'm just leaving, to a place that is so foreign to me.
I've been there once.
To visit not to stay.
Now I'm gonna be there for a year or two or probably more.
I don't hate it.
But the fact is, I can't believe I'm leaving soon.

'if you leave, I will bring myself to Brunei'
Months afterwards,
'So when are you leaving to Brunei?'
Almost a year afterwards,
'I'm leaving. Not to Brunei but somewhere far'

I'm totally okay now but I guess Allah want me to completely heals there,
Where no one knows me, my past and everything else.
Like I said before,
I don't hate it.
I know Allah knows this is the best for me.
I've been waiting for this.
19 years in Shah Alam.
Shah Alam had given me her best.
I went to pre-school, primary and secondary school, make friends, fall in and out of love, hurt, betrayed, joy, experience, knowledge, happiness. Everything. All here in Shah Alam.
Shah Alam will always be my first love
The only regret is to be so far away from my family and friends. And my lovely cats.
But this is how life rolls.
You'll gain some, you'll lose some.
And afterall, human will always adapt to changes. Always.
Salam alayk.
Till then, next post will not be from Shah Alam I guess.

Oblivious

Assalamualaikum..
Rumours are spreading that the good news will arrive any when this week.
Nervous, excited.
Nervous to step into the next phase in life.
Will I deal with it?
Will I do a great job.
This is no longer a practice ground.
I'll be dealing with real people, real situation.
Excited to meet new people, new environment.
Well, that's the final step to move on.
I've been stucked here for awhile.
Excited to have my own money.
Excited for a new adventure.
Looking back, this time, last year,
If and only if I'm not that oblivious to not to see what is infront of my eyes..
Oh well, I've been through a lot.
Pat yourself at the back, hidayah.
I'm proud of myself for getting through this and now you're smiling again.
Will everything be better than okay again?

"Que sera, sera..
What will be will be..
The future not us to see"

Every Action has Reaction

by gems of jannah:
A sister sought advice after having had her heart broken, 6 months on still struggling with the same pain. -

It's common for sisters to have their hearts broken, the promise of marriage is always flung around like a handkerchief, so many unfulfilled promises and broken trusts, brothers must reflect over their actions. Whenever you are about to do something which has the possibility of hurting someone, remember that a day will come when you will have to stand before Allah and He will question you about these relentless actions of yours. Remember every action has a reaction. And a bad action tends to create a bad reaction. Sisters, don't be fooled, don't just hand your heart over to anyone. Someone who isn't willing to take the halal approach is not worth the pain, not even an ounce of it. -

May Allah make it easy for those who are suffering from heartache, and protect the hearts of the sincere believers. Ameen. 

Of Demam and Teary eyes

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Assalamualaikum..
I'm not having a fever. Alhamdulillah been doing fine.
There is a reason for the title above.
I have this particular response when someone asked me 'Are you okay? Demam ke? Nampak tak sihat.' Or just with a gesture of putting their hand on my forehead to check my temperature, I will always feels like crying afterwards and always I will not answer their question.
I mean, I didn't say anything about having a fever or headache, but then someone noticed that I'm not fine. I just feels like crying and sometimes I will just avoid them and really cry.
This happened again few days back but not because I'm having a fever.
It did happened few times though for the past few months through out this 'phase'.
I'm actually quite hesitate to put this up on blog for few reasons, but I guess I'm just going to go for it.

So, last few days, as I read through blogs, I randomly read that an old friend wrote that she misses me and ayat akhir dia,
" Aku rindu salwa,aku rindu dayah...
Dua org kawan aku yg sgt tabah..."
I honestly burst into tears reading that dan aku kat luar waktu baca tu depan ramai orang.
Perasaan dia sama macam waktu orang tanya aku demam ke tak?

I miss matrix too. I miss you too. All this while.
Betul cakap kau, waktu matrix persahabatan tu everything.
Sepanjang aku kat university, aku selalu compare value of friendship yang ada waktu matrix tu tak sama.
We have each other all the time.
Kau dengar cerita aku selalu walaupon merepek, aku dengar kisah kau.
Rindu pegi koop, kongsi beli kek coklat, beli air tembikai, buat jahat boikot dinner asrama, pegi Ulu Bendul, panjat bukit, jogging, buka puasa kongsi sebungkus nasi.
Rindu. Seronok sangat.
Aku ada satu album yang khas untuk matrix. Kisah aku, kau, aras 4 dan semua sebab kenangan tu berharga.
Kita gaduh beberapa tahun lepas. Atau salah faham. Entah. Tapi atas sebab kebodohan aku sendiri.
Honestly, aku tak setabah yang semua orang nampak aku.
Aku masih bertarung hari-hari.
Getting better tapi masih sedang berusaha jadi tabah, sabar.
Pernah jugak aku fikir, kalaulah kau tak kenalkan aku dengan dia, kalau aku dengar cakap kau, mesti semua tak jadi macam ni.
Tapi aku tak pernah salahkan kau sebab satu masa dulu, aku pernah happy dengan dia dan itu pilihan aku sendiri.
Afterall, ini takdir aku. Rancangan Allah untuk aku, pengajaran terbesar untuk aku. Semuanya ada hikmah tersendiri.
Lepas kita gaduh, aku nangis. Aku harap kau faham waktu tu.
Aku masih mengikuti perkembangan kau, mungkin kau tak tahu,
Tapi aku tahu sedikit sebanyak kisah kau.
Bila kau stress, ada masalah,
Aku harap aku ada untuk kau waktu tu untuk bagi semangat kat kau macam waktu dulu,
Risau bila kau sedih, stress dan ada masalah,
Tapi aku taknak jadi sebab untuk kau sedih lagi dan keadaan dulu mungkin kau tak anggap aku kawan kau.
Aku tak tahu nak tegur kau macamana, rasa bersalah tu masih ada dalam diri aku even sampai hari ni.
Sebab tu, perkara pertama yang aku buat bila semuanya berakhir adalah cari kau dan seorang lagi wanita yang pernah terluka satu masa dulu untuk mohon maaf. Waktu tu, aku cakap, ini yang diorang rasa satu masa dulu.
Sampai sekarang, aku masih doakan supaya kau happy selalu disamping orang yang kau sayang.
Kau dah lalui macam-macam termasuklah masalah dengan aku, masalah study, masalah cita-cita.
You deserves to be happy, my friend.
Bila kau rasa sesuatu tu layak untuk dipertahankan, pertahankan dan usahakan.
Rasa lemah, tak kuat, jatuh terduduk, nangis itu normal walau sekuat mana kita pernah jadi dulu.
Contohnya pada aku tapi rasional pada situasi, jangan emosi.
Ujian hanya untuk mengingatkan yang Allah masih memegang taqdir kita sejauh mana kita merancang.
Jangan terlalu genggam sesuatu dengan kuat,
Sebab sekuat mana genggaman, Allah dah pegang qada' dan qadar kita.
Yakin pada Dia.
Tengok pada pertemuan kita misalnya. Terlalu banyak pengajaran dan hikmah.
InsyaAllah, kalau kau yakin minta pada Dia selalu.
Tanamkan kepercayaan, jangan terlalu risau.
Minta Allah jaga.
Kalau dia, InsyaAllah dia.
Can't believe that I actually tell you to trust someone when my past is just so bad when I trusted someone in a long distance relationship and here I am, betrayed and broken,
but for me, trust is the root of any relationship.
Know that you worth your own happiness my dear.
Jangan letak kebahagiaan pada manusia lain,
Be the happiness in you.
Satu lagi, macamana tawa begitulah tangisan, ia bukan sesuatu yang kekal.
I'm still sorry and I miss you.
Harap kau tak delete or deactivate your blog after this entry. Bukan niat nak menyibuk, tapi kau tetap kawan aku macam apa yang aku pernah cakap dulu.
And maaf lagi sekali kalau terover bagi sepatah dua kata atau menyibuk.
You deserves to be happy after all that happened last few years.
Aku sentiasa doakan kau, Huda. InsyaaAllah.

"Rezeki ni Allah dah tentukan untuk kau. Jangan risau. Jangan bergantung kat Umi and Abah. Mintak pada Dia. Dia dah ada semua jalan untuk kau." -(Abah, 2015)

Life Lesson #1- Umi and kitten

Assalamualaikum..

Surprised surprised!
This is definitely not a picture of me and late Nini.
I posted this picture days ago but everyone thought it was arwah Nini.
She's my new cat that look almost the same as Nini.
I went to Cat Show last Saturday with Umi to find a new kitten as Umi said she's bored, Olie and Lily are not as playful as before as they are older,
thus we went to the Cat show in Centro, Klang which supposedly start at 10am.
Upon arrival at the place, there are only one cat displayed for sale.
We had beforehand aimed for a calico as this one pet shop posted her picture on the FB page.
As we waited there are a lot of cat's buyer waited with us but there are no sight of cats at the moment.
I told Umi, "Nanti kalau ada kucing lawa mesti ramai yang berebut kan? Mesti tak dapat."
Both Umi and I doesn't like to fight and argue anything with a stranger.
Then after I said that, Umi told me," kalau memang rezeki kita, tetap rezeki kita..kau tak payah risau"
Almost 12pm, Umi wanted to leave as there were no signs of cats for sale or to let go,
but then we went to the booth to buy some cat's flea medication.
At the booth, we asked the booth's owner if she sells cats as the lady owns a pet shop, the owner is very friendly and she said that her cats is on the way here and she's actually the one selling the calico we saw on the page.
Thus we decided to wait again, this time there are a lot of people coming and asked the lady about the cats.
It was almost 0130pm when the cat's finally arrived and everyone is fixed on the Calico we want but that lady owner immediately gave her to me to hold and the lady told everyone that she was reserved by us.
She is very manja and she look exactly like Nini. Umi and I immediately agree.
She is so adorable and very attached to people.
I am very happy and satisfied with her despite I have to trained her to go to the toilet for her 'business', estimate when she's gonna do her 'business', and etc,
I asked Umi again,
'Orang tu nak jual dia since she was 2-3months old but how come no one wants to buy her? She's pretty and way too adorable'
Umi once again told me,
"Kan umi dah kata, memang rezeki kita.. macam Lily, dulu kita ambil kat pasar berkurap, korang pon pelik tengok umi bawak dia balik tapi itu Allah kata rezeki dan jodoh kita dengan dia."
Which is true, when Umi bought Lily home, her skin is FULLY covered with kurap but Umi said, she only saw Lily's pretty blue eyes. When we put ointment on her, her skin started to dried up and she almost look like a sphynx or a big rat but right now, she's so fluffy, fat and cute with her crossed-eyes.

"Apa yang kita punya, tetap kita punya. Jangan risau."
This is a lesson that we have to hold on to.
Kadang-kadang, kita risau tak bertempat,
takut,
takut tak dapat, takut terlepas,
takut hilang.
Kalau memang rezeki kita, macamana susah pun, InsyaAllah kita punya.
Senyumlah.

Of brokenhearts and people around them.

Assalamualaikum.
This is a not exactly a story about what I'm going through.
It's a story of who I will become.
I watched a korean reality show, Human Condition for both male and female version,
It was a fascinating informative show on how to change into a good way of living including your health, lifestyle, environment, bad habit and etc.
Then, I get interested in the love line between Jimin and Gyeonghwan which lead me to a talk show called Mamma Mia which includes celebrities and their mothers.
The episode that I watched was "Did my daughter have a good eye on man?"
Most of the celebrities's mother voted for no except for this one anchor who is married.
Jimin was once revealed her relationship with a fellow comedian and the entire nation knows that those relationship had ended.
Jimin was wounded and so disturbed for the first three months of the break up. Jimin's mother told that she was really worried and sad to see her daughter in pain.
Jimin then told that she could not get into another relationship right now as she is the type that will give her all to her partner to the extend that she might stop working.
When Jimin told another story on how she waited for her ex-boyfriend infront of the apartment after the break up, make her mother's face change worried, like really worried.
These also happened the same to the other celebrities's mother on the show.
Some even cried remembering how their precious daughter was broken by the wrong man.
At the end of the show, one of the mother read an advice for all of them.
She cried while reading the advice. She said she hope their daughter will be cherish by a man that truly love them and care for them.
This touch my heart a lot because I am reminded by my own parents during my 'depression' phase.
For me the first few months after the break up was really hard.
It is not easy for me.
I can't sleep at night and I wake up early in the morning.
Everyday was a battle for me.
Struggling really hard, in between being strong and being weak.
Umi's first question after I told her everything was,
"Kalau dia nak balik kat kau, kau akan terima dia balik?"
I realized now, that question shows a lot.
It meant that she was very worried if I'm gonna make a same mistake again and getting hurt again.
Umi and Abah both never against my relationship back then,
Umi was the one that always communicate with him back then especially when we wanna go out.
Abah never said anything about my break up but sometimes he showed it when something related to him appeared.
Both Abah and Umi was the one that forced me to eat when I don't have the appetite to eat anything,
that allowed me to cook just anything and do anything including stupid things that I want after the break up.
Looking back at all this, it tears me up.
I was wounded and broken, but the one that truly love me was in pain too to see me like that.
I was selfish and stupid to put myself in a situation to be broken.
I was so blind to realized and allowed it to happened.
This is a lesson that give me so much to understand about life.
I'm not going to let them see me in pain again.
I'm so much stronger now.
Whenever I told Umi of what happened with my friends and if their situation is similar with me, Umi will always respond,
"Kesian korang.. Tak apalah..ada yang lebih baik. Lagi baik daripada yang orang yang salah"
True. It is so much better than being in a wrong relationship.
Atleast I'm happier now.
If I am meant to get married and have a children,
I will definitely going to teach them to respect other people's heart,
because when you broke a person heart, you broke their parents's heart too.
Finding a husband for me will definitely not an easy task after what I've gone through.
When I'm ready, I'm ready.
No one would want to be single forever despite how independent I am.
I'm preparing to be better.
Better at cooking, better at housekeeping, better at being good to children, better at handling my anger and patience issue, better at my work, better at being a better Muslimah.
InsyaAllah.
Pray.

Light and darkness

"Without darkness, you won't be able to appreciate the lights."

Alhamdulillah.

Ignore

Assalamualaikum..

I am getting better.

So much better now.

Alhamdulillah.

I told before, what humans are made for are to adapt to changes.

However, humans often exaggerate things up;

"I can't live without that person"

"What will I do without them?"

"I lost everyone I loved"

Through this, I learnt, the best companion is Allah.

Cari Dia, jumpa semua.

I search myself and seek Him through reading, listening to a talk, involving with spiritual learning and classes.

I learn and learn and keep learning to distract myself from remembering how hurt I am.

And I understand now why knowledge will save us from a downfall.

I can't describe exactly how but I realize my mistakes in loving others.

I've planned before about my future, what I wanna do after graduation, about future family, future house, ambitions and etc.

 I planned without preparation.

That is my mistakes.

Allah knows my dissapointment and frustration.

But I believe He knows best and He know when I'm prepared.

Jaga Allah dan jaga ibubapa, yang lain akan datang kemudian.

And afterwards I told myself,

It's okay to fall in love again, but this time take Allah with you.

Some sentences were quoted from DIAgnosis2. My favourite drugs currently.

"Kenapa manusia selalu tak jujur dengan cinta?"

"Biasa. Tiada beza dengan kita dan Pencipta"

#DIAgnosis2

CONVO!

Convocation day is a day full of love.
It was one of the happiest day in my life.
I still feel excited and still can't get over my convocation day.
Pharmacy school did teach me alot.
This four years is a journey full of lesson.
From friendship, love, life and all the battle within it.
It just couldn't be describe.
I miss to go to class, playing in the lab, hanging out with friends, do events.

My university life was probably much boring than others but surely we all have something special that we had experience.
I am still waiting for my hospital placement, hope will get it soon. Doakan.
Honestly, people keep telling me, pharmacist tak ada life,
even when I'm still studying, everyone said that I don't have life.
I have class when others are in holiday, I have attachment in hospital or industry or community during semester break.
My semester break is only for a month.
And now, when I start working, I will probably can't go back for Raya and etc.
This is a profession that a lot need to be sacrificed.
We aren't as bad as the doctor, but we have our struggle too.
It's okay, setiap orang ada rezeki masing2.
InsyaAllah, akan dipermudahkan semuanya.
During the 4 years of study, whenever I feel it was difficult and I feel like I want to bantai everything,
I told myself to focus, this is not just for a piece of paper.
This is for all the patients that I will meet later in life.
This is for everyone.
This is my commitment.

This is for them. For the love, support, courage. For everything.

First love: Umi, umi and umi

First love and forever boyfriend.

Yin, Bella and Teha. Classmates, University-mate and girlfriends.

Favourite girl. Always.

MSU

The only close up make up look that I have

The first two persons that I met in MSU and BPharm

Friends and clan

Group mates and Team Project. Missing; Damien.

Finally, 4 years for this scroll

abah kata dulu tak sempat convo, dah kena balik Malaysia.

The only OOTD that I have 

                                             

Pre-CONVO!

Assalamualaikum..
Alhamdulillah, it has been 2 weeks actually after my convocation.
I am officially graduated from School of Pharmacy, Management and Science University!
Honestly, there is no word to describe the feeling of finally graduating.
After 4 freaking hectic years of not just studying but university life,
you are finally move into another different hectic life of working.
And since I'm not working yet, my convocation day is something that I can enjoy to the fullest.
Made the preparation as if it was my wedding day..haha..
My preparation list include:

*MSU thing- the most important thing for convocation; payment, survey, rehearsal, robe * payment is freaking expensive for rental of robe for ONE day and photos.

* outfit- I choose modern baju kurung songket just because I always find that songket is elegant and it will look good with the robe outside.

*make up- the first thing that my junior told me when I told them I'm graduating was, 'tak sabar nak tengok akak make up'. Seriously, I've been deliberating whether to put on make up, whether a simple make up or a smokey look, or just an eyeliner and lipstick. Even for lipstick I really am not sure whether to wear a bold lipstick, a nude lipstick or just my everyday lipstick which is almost the same lip colour that I have. It is hard to decide since I don't want to look exaggerated nor look super pale on picture. This gonna last forever you know. On that day, I end up wearing a light smokey eyeshadow and nyx stockholm matte lipcream which is my favourite and it's a nude lipcolour but it suits me and it last until the end of the day!

*skincare- most important thing is skin care. Lik,e I really took care of my skin every day without skipping a day. Always2 clean my skin thoroughly, tone it carefully and moisturize it evenly. Since I have an uneven skin tone, I have to use whitening serum atleast at night. Healthy skin is always better than being good on make up. The final outcome of this continuous care is my skin really look glowing during my convo day.

*Diet- I've lost a lot of weight actually for the past 6 months but then my appetite has come back, and I've been eating constantly. Although when I went to MSU a week before the event, my friends told me that I look skinny than before. Thus, I just control what I eat, and yet, I am satisfied with my look during the day.

* Photograph- Being me, I am super perfectionist when it comes to photography, since it gonna last forever. Unfortunately, I can't took my own photos, thus, I have to make sure everything from head to toe is perfect. Even for my parents, I choose a suit for abah and a very elegant and exclusive baju kurung from Umi's wardrobe. For my siblings, they are better at dressing up. MSU have a very beautiful spot for taking pictures. So, I would have care less where to take picture and etc. Even on that day, I just randomly take picture anywhere that I could since there were so many people. Yet, I'm glad all the pictures are good.

few days before my graduation day, Nani asked me to accompany her to malacca and she wants to have dinner with all my gfs since she could not make it to my convo day. Thus, we went to her grandfather's and grandmother's house. Then, she brought me to eat pau sedap and the first original coconut shake that I finally can drink it and not puking. It seriously taste like vanilla shake and anything taste like vanilla is my thing. Afterwards, we fetch Yin at her house and Teha before we went to Grafa for dinner and Sangkaya for dessert. It was a fun date and I really missed my girl.

Next is my rehearsal. It was a day before the day and only after the rehearsal we can grab our robe. Since, we all know we won't have time to take photos with all our classmates and friends, thus we decided to take few shots in msu.

Philophobic

That girl in a grey jubah..
She went to a wedding happily wishing the bride and the groom.
She was so happy to see other people happiness.
The way she's happy to see how lovely her parents are after decades of marriage.
Atleast love still exist somewhere in this world.
She believe that love exist.
She believe everyone were meant for someone.
She believe that loyalty exist and love will never change even thousand of years had passes by.
But those rule, those believes doesn't applied to her.
For her, she's extremely afraid to be hurt again.
One day, if someone told her he'll be there for her forever,
To hold her and embrace her with love,
To stay loyal even there will be so many trials and hardship in life,
To always care for her,
All the images of these make her eyes teary.
She couldn't stop crying for these images because it seems too good to be true.
These images, how could she believe when she had once trusted someone and he broke her..
Making the i-love-you seems so unrealistic. A lie and it fill her thought with just one thing,
What if one day, he realize that he didn't love her anymore? What if he lied? What if he left her? What will happened to her again? Could she handle it again?
And that's the reason behind her tears when she tried to imagine someone's gonna love her.
It is better not to hope someone's gonna be there to love her always. She's happy to attend wedding, to watch romantic movies alone, to went on date with herself and her bestfriend, to hear a proposal but just not the imagination of her own love story. Not yet.

Final decision

Assalamualaikum.

I always have a thought on how life randomly change.
The path that we took,
A tiny decision affect our future.
I've seen a lot of mistakes being done by people around me and mostly my own mistakes.
I've abandoned my friend for love
And love abandoned me for another love.
People abandoned love for another choices.
I chose to be a pharmacist rather than my old ambition as an engineer or dietitian.
People chose to persue their ambition rather than taking a highly-paid-salary courses.
People choose another path than the so-called better path
One single thing change every single thing.
Indeed, I've seen how many people regrets their choice.
Still struggling with the unchoosen path,
The road not taken.
How many people cry for the thing they can't change.
And how many people were confused with the choices they need to make?
A future spouse, future job, just future.
How will you know that you'll end up with the right choice?
What if what we claimed as a right choice is not the right choice?
What if the one we think were destined for us was not the one?
What if, people will end up with someone or some choices because they simply have only that one last choice or there's no other choice other than that?
I often have a thought about this.
What if we choose someone not because they are the one for us,
But because we have reach 'THE age' that we're supposed to get married as everyone else do and end up with just someone who stuck with us at THE age.
Believe me, you don't have to think too much about this.
But when it strucks your mind,
You will never tired to wonder about the whole qada' and qadr.
This subjects often interest me but no one and no creatures will ever know about the world of the unseen.
Allah knows best.