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Sunday, August 6, 2017

how mid twenties makes me feel pathetic.

Assalamualaikum.
I am not sure how am I supposed to write this up.
Mid twenties sure are tiring and frustrating.
Probably while I'm writing this, it is the time of the month.
It is very emotional to go through all this.
I love my life and myself.
I am happy for what I am and I am grateful for what He had given to me.
All this rizq, this life, I am very blessed with everything.
I have a smooth ride all this while.
I am not that wealthy, but we have enough of everything,
I am not really smart but Alhamdulillah, I have a good career and I love my job.
I am not that pretty, but I love to look descent and presentable,
I am not that kind, but I tried to be nice and practice what Islam teach me,
I am not above average, I am just average and I am blessed for that.
But all of this, people still think that I am more than perfect.
This perfect-ness, made them questioned me on that one thing that I don't have,
marriage, relationship, man.
Yes, despite all that I have, this are the thing that I don't have.
Honestly, I am almost give up on this.
I'm just 25 years going to 26 years old, I know, giving up is too early.
My surroundings that separated me with a creature named Male make relationship almost impossible.
I live in a city so far away from home, which most colleague are married and non-muslim.
AND, most of my colleagues are female.
All my life, I am surrounded by female, I can count my male friends in my contacts,
It felt like Allah is somehow protecting me from this species. I don't know but yeah.
owh, back to the marriage thingy, I never felt that the matter was a burden for me.
My parents did concern about this matter but they never push me for it,
They know that jodoh is something that is beyond us.
We can't force jodoh.
But this matter concern me recently when my cousins started to get married, engaged and bringing their partners to our family events.
No, it's not that their relationship and marriage bothering me but their thoughts on me and the thought of my closed relative towards me that make me feel bothered.
Just one thing that I asked from them is:
Marriage is a beautiful news, why would you worry on what I would feel. Ofcourse, I am happy for you guys. This is what I truly felt second after I heard about the news eventhough I am the last person who knew about it. Marry when you are ready and you don't have to wait for anybody for your own marriage.
" Diorang tak nak kau terasa."
This is what makes me feel pathetic.
I am hurt by this statement.
I am silenced by this.
That happen in a car, and I took my pillow pretending to sleep but I'm not.
All the way, I pretend to sleep with my pillow soaking wet.
I heard that the topic has move on,
suddenly Abah asked me this,
" Nurul, manusia mana yang paling berat diuji Allah?"
That question blow my mind, and I said, " Nabi"
"Yup, Nabi dan Rasul. Allah uji bersesuaian dengan tahap keimanan seseorang"
I am speechless again and I took my pillow and cover my face again and Abah changed his conversation.
............................
I don't questioned Allah for the things that I don't get.
He knows how much I prayed for it,
and how much I tried,
how much I try to make friends with people,
but somehow I know that when the time is right and if He permit it, it will happen somedays.
But if it is not meant for me,
I know He have a better plan for me.
I just hope that people could stop making me feel pathetic and sympathize me for something that is beyond my control.
Allah menguji titik paling lemah aku,
and yes, siapa yang tak nak ada pasangan.
I just don't make it such a big deal.
Kalau Allah nak bagi, Allah bagi.
Satu lagi, berkeluarga juga salah satu rezeki dan nikmat Allah nak bagi,
jadi syukurlah pada nikmat yang Allah nak bagi atau tak nak bagi.
This could be a blessing in disguise.
As I usually say, Sabar itu mudah, syukur itu payah.
Pada nikmat yang Allah belum bagi, tak bagi tu, sabar itu mudah,
tapi pada setiap nikmat yang Allah dah bagi dan bagi tanpa kita sedar, nak bersyukur tu susah.
I want to learn to be grateful for everything that I have.
Alhamdulillah.
Therefore, do not feel burden by what you have that I don't. I am glad that you were given that nikmat that I am not yet given. Whatever it is, count your blessing, I prayed for all of your happiness sincerely as your family and closed members. If you are concerned about me, put me on your prayers too and let Him blessed me with your love. I am forever grateful for that. Only Allah can pay for your thoughts and kindness. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan dunia dan akhirat. Selamat melangkah ke alam perkahwinan dan diberikan barakah, sakinah dan mawaddah. Amin.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Picture

Assalamualaikum.
Is a picture is just a picture?
Every single picture has a memory behind it
The only person who knew about it are the person inside of the picture and person behind that picture
Even if that picture is just a picture of one person posing nicely
It takes a memory of more than one person
That is how precious a picture is
It hold a memory lasting forever



This picture hold so many stories.
Behind it was a girl that stand up tall besides a person who shattered her heart.
She capture this because deep down she knew it was their last memory together.
She remember everything that was said to her at that moment.
"Thanks for today, for waiting, for all this time and for... Everything"
And she cries because the time is up.
It should've ended at that moment. If only the other person was courage enough.
Unfortunately she was hurt by the false hope and was hurting even more, that she forgot this beautiful last speech for her.


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Life is funnier in your mid 20s

Remember when someone told you,
If someone love you,  they'll wait for you?
Well, in case that you had passed 25 years old,
This statement is invalid.
At this age,  most of them are just desperately want to get married.
As I aged,  I've seen failing marriage as much as  I saw a high school lover end up with a marriage.
It's a lot.
That is what I guess the aftermath of those 'bercinta lepas nikah'  campaign around my teen years and early 20s.
I know it sounds harsh.
It's true.
I read somewhere that the reason why they easily get into divorce is because how easy it was to get marry that the marriage did not give them a value that they feel the need for the marriage to be protected.
Even around a group of friends there are some of them that are in a verge of divorce and it ended up terribly.

As I age, all this relationship and marriage is a huge issue for myself and people around me.
I've been asked about this question for numerous time that I've lost count,
and I don't even have the answer for this.
And as I aged, I met a lot of people and that include guys too.
From the thing that I experiences, it get funnier in a mean way sometimes.

I've met a guy who already have a girlfriend but still flirting with me, bought me food when I work at night, praising me and keep comparing me with his girlfriend. Then, I make it clear and create those wall, Alhamdulillah I heard he's married to his girlfriend last month.
I've met a guy who at first did not have a girlfriend, keep calling me in the middle of the night, flirt around, calling me sweet names and give me hope, sharing dreams, hobby and etc, but the next thing he went on a trip with his new girlfriend and they are happy together and I no longer hear from him.
Maybe, I just met the one that are not serious and just playing games with me.

I have met the serious guy.
This is the person that I feel terribly sorry for. He was really serious on marrying me, he even told my mom about it. He approached me well but unfortunately I wasn't ready. It's too fast and I felt that I just couldn't accept him. I rejected him and I know he was really hurt on what I did for him. Months and months that I really feel terribly sorry for him, as if I gave him hopes but then I totally can't go on. There are certain reasons that I just couldn't explain why I rejected him. Something about feeling comfortable and acceptation. However, I heard that he was engaged this month. 
This is what I found funny. It's silly to think it's funny but something about jodoh and fate is often twisted and surprising. This man that approach me exactly a year ago, are engaged within a year afterwards, sound funny for me. No, don't get me wrong but something about feeling is incredible. You can love another person early this month and the next few months if it is fated, you'll fall for another.
This is the funnier thing that I realize in my mid 20's.
Tell me, how marriage is a wonderful thing that you can still in love with that person for as long as you could. And you will fall out of love for a moment but in a marriage you will keep coming back and nourish that love again and again to keep going.
That is how I learn and understand about love.
And that is what I realized the funnier thing about people and love.
You'll fall in and out of love and you keep searching for love.
For me, every time a person approach me, there are part of me that feels floating but reality keep my feet on the ground.
I can't hurt another person for the love that I want because somehow I came to understand that hurtful feeling so well.
And for this funny thing that happening to me, somehow I feel really afraid to know a person, as I have told the stories on those guy that I met, all of them are either meeting another girl at the same time or moving on too fast.
These are the funny thing that somehow scared me.
Oh Allah, please guide me to the one that was meant for me.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Do you remember.

Assalamualaikum.
Everything was so fast.
I am no longer a teenager who started this blog to engraves all my memories here.
So much had happened.
I'm an adult now.
I'm working, living far away from my family,
paying my bills and managing my own life.
Few months back,
I read about a celebrity couple that are getting divorce.
Farah Lee and Ally Iskandar.
It actually give a slight impact on me,  because back then he was my Ally.
Other than that,  it often saddened me to see couple that look so good together decided to broke off.
Well, that's how life is. Nothing is permanent.
Back to my story,
I am no longer in Tawau, Sabah.
Yet, I am still far away from home and it is farther now than before.
I have to take 2hours ride to the nearest airport before flying another 2.5 hours to KL.
I live in an actual village.
Just a small cozy house. I really love this house.
It only have two rooms, a bathroom and small kitchen for myself.
My parents came here two weeks ago and they filled my house with all my needs.
Thus, it really feels like home.
I remembered back then, someone asked me if I could live in a village instead of a city.
I am an uptown girl.
I was living in Shah Alam all my life and even my hometown is only 20mins away from Shah Alam.
But I proved him wrong.
I am that girl that could adapt well, in whatever situation.
I proved my self-worth.
I am ready to forgive but forgetting is a harder fight.
I saw the years you counted with her. It wasn't the same calculation that I had in my mind.
I counted 3 years since my heart was shattered but the love you created with her has already been 4 years.
I wonder were we living in a different time zone.
That is somehow what made the memories left still painful.
I still don't know which one is real and which one is not.
I am no longer mad nor angry with you.
I just can't forgive the wrong things you did, and yet I remembered the good things you had.
However, you were a person I used to know.
3 years had passed,  how would I judge the person you are now.
I no longer know you.
And you no longer know me.
But I know you are happy,
And I know I am happier now than before.
But I will never know when will I learn to open my heart and will there be someone that will ever gain my heart ever again.
If you ever read this, please keep me in your prayer.
I could not imagine what will happen if we are ever to meet again.
That's a reason why I'm glad I'm far away from both of you.
I'm coming back one day and that fine day,  I still hope we will never meet again.
I hope our fate ended back then in 2014,
The day that I sent you home hoping that you give me a last glance through my rear mirror but you never did.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Submission.

Assalamualaikum..
It's been a while.
A lot has happened,
I am still here in Sabah.
As I've finished my PRP and waiting for my placement,
everyone keep asking me, "are you coming back to Semenanjung? Where did you choose for your next placement?"
And at first my answer was "still Sabah"
Both of my parents have a very different opinion towards each other.
Umi wants me to be back at Selangor *specifically Selangor*
and Abah know that I still want to stay here do think that it is still a good choice.
Therefore, on the day that I filled the placement form, I was contemplating but I wrote a very spontaneous decision.
I choose Selangor as my first choice instead of filling the name of hospitals in Sabah.
I did it for my parents.
There are one time when I went back home,
out of no where when we were discussing about Sabah,
Abah said to me " Kak Nurul bawak diri kan kat Sabah?"
I am all recovered but I have to agree that one of the reason why I am here because I need to heal.
Atleast I am so far away from everything that wound and hurt me.
And afterall I am recovered.
Thus, I put Selangor as my first choice.
I love it here but I don't really belong here.
I belong with my family.
However, I dont even know if I am ready to go back.
Later on, I did what I did best,
I rely it to Allah. He knows best.
If it was meant to be, if it was the perfect timing for me to go back home, than it is time to be back home or even Semenanjung.
And wherever I go and wherever He put me, it is always because He know I could do it.
Everything happened for a reason and He will always have a reason to put me where I am and where will I be at.

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