Saturday, March 28, 2015

Of brokenhearts and people around them.

This is a not exactly a story about what I'm going through.
It's a story of who I will become.
I watched a korean reality show, Human Condition for both male and female version,
It was a fascinating informative show on how to change into a good way of living including your health, lifestyle, environment, bad habit and etc.
Then, I get interested in the love line between Jimin and Gyeonghwan which lead me to a talk show called Mamma Mia which includes celebrities and their mothers.
The episode that I watched was "Did my daughter have a good eye on man?"
Most of the celebrities's mother voted for no except for this one anchor who is married.
Jimin was once revealed her relationship with a fellow comedian and the entire nation knows that those relationship had ended.
Jimin was wounded and so disturbed for the first three months of the break up. Jimin's mother told that she was really worried and sad to see her daughter in pain.
Jimin then told that she could not get into another relationship right now as she is the type that will give her all to her partner to the extend that she might stop working.
When Jimin told another story on how she waited for her ex-boyfriend infront of the apartment after the break up, make her mother's face change worried, like really worried.
These also happened the same to the other celebrities's mother on the show.
Some even cried remembering how their precious daughter was broken by the wrong man.
At the end of the show, one of the mother read an advice for all of them.
She cried while reading the advice. She said she hope their daughter will be cherish by a man that truly love them and care for them.
This touch my heart a lot because I am reminded by my own parents during my 'depression' phase.
For me the first few months after the break up was really hard.
It is not easy for me.
I can't sleep at night and I wake up early in the morning.
Everyday was a battle for me.
Struggling really hard, in between being strong and being weak.
Umi's first question after I told her everything was,
"Kalau dia nak balik kat kau, kau akan terima dia balik?"
I realized now, that question shows a lot.
It meant that she was very worried if I'm gonna make a same mistake again and getting hurt again.
Umi and Abah both never against my relationship back then,
Umi was the one that always communicate with him back then especially when we wanna go out.
Abah never said anything about my break up but sometimes he showed it when something related to him appeared.
Both Abah and Umi was the one that forced me to eat when I don't have the appetite to eat anything,
that allowed me to cook just anything and do anything including stupid things that I want after the break up.
Looking back at all this, it tears me up.
I was wounded and broken, but the one that truly love me was in pain too to see me like that.
I was selfish and stupid to put myself in a situation to be broken.
I was so blind to realized and allowed it to happened.
This is a lesson that give me so much to understand about life.
I'm not going to let them see me in pain again.
I'm so much stronger now.
Whenever I told Umi of what happened with my friends and if their situation is similar with me, Umi will always respond,
"Kesian korang.. Tak apalah..ada yang lebih baik. Lagi baik daripada yang orang yang salah"
True. It is so much better than being in a wrong relationship.
Atleast I'm happier now.
If I am meant to get married and have a children,
I will definitely going to teach them to respect other people's heart,
because when you broke a person heart, you broke their parents's heart too.
Finding a husband for me will definitely not an easy task after what I've gone through.
When I'm ready, I'm ready.
No one would want to be single forever despite how independent I am.
I'm preparing to be better.
Better at cooking, better at housekeeping, better at being good to children, better at handling my anger and patience issue, better at my work, better at being a better Muslimah.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Light and darkness

"Without darkness, you won't be able to appreciate the lights."

Wednesday, March 4, 2015


I am getting better.
So much better now.
I told before, what humans are made for are to adapt to changes.
However, humans often exaggerate things up;
"I can't live without that person"
"What will I do without them?"
"I lost everyone I loved"
Through this, I learnt, the best companion is Allah.
Cari Dia, jumpa semua.
I search myself and seek Him through reading, listening to a talk, involving with spiritual learning and classes.
I learn and learn and keep learning to distract myself from remembering how hurt I am.
And I understand now why knowledge will save us from a downfall.
I can't describe exactly how but I realize my mistakes in loving others.
I've planned before about my future, what I wanna do after graduation, about future family, future house, ambitions and etc.
 I planned without preparation.
That is my mistakes.
Allah knows my dissapointment and frustration.
But I believe He knows best and He know when I'm prepared.
Jaga Allah dan jaga ibubapa, yang lain akan datang kemudian.
And afterwards I told myself,
It's okay to fall in love again, but this time take Allah with you.

Some sentences were quoted from DIAgnosis2. My favourite drugs currently.

"Kenapa manusia selalu tak jujur dengan cinta?"
"Biasa. Tiada beza dengan kita dan Pencipta"

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