Broke her-yuna

Tell me 
Is this alright with you
Having me in your life
I always thought
That maybe I could be your wife

And I wouldn’t mind living a lie
And still I keep my hopes up
I am out there
Out there lighting the dark
Your words they come so easy
Girl I just want to be me
All the sudden I’m not on your team
Replaced by the prettier things
But I see you with all these girls
I just don’t understand
I guess I’m not like the rest of them

So this is my punishment, punishment, punishment
‘Cause baby I’m in pain, I’m in pain, I’m in pain
I’m just trying to overcome
The fact that maybe I was not enough
The only thing that I could think of
Is whether I should give up

See you can be with any girl you like
You can send them all those fashions and socialite
Buy them all the things your money can buy
You don’t owe nobody an alibi
Go ahead and leave me out of your life
No one’s gonna ask you where you are tonight
You can tell your friends while you’re all hot
Yeah I broke her
But she’ll be alright

I broke her but she’ll be alright
I broke her but she’ll be alright
I broke her but she’ll be alright

I'm broken but I’ll be alright
I'm broken but I’ll be alright

Conversation selepas degree

Bila nak kerja?

Tunggu penempatan je ni.. Surat SPA dah dapat..

Bila nak dapat penempatan?

Bila KKM hantar surat

Kau nak pergi negeri mana?

Tak kisah pon mana-mana..Sabah Sarawak pon ok je..

Gaji berapa? Dengan cerita gaji fresh graduate pharmacist paling tinggi kat Malaysia?

Bolehlah..Alhamdulillah..

Pharmacy susahkan?

Kalau minat rasanya insyaAllah boleh je..

Bila nak kahwin?

krik krik krik..

Umi: Kawan Umi haritu ada cerita, anak dia sibuk kerja tak kahwin-kahwin.. Tu yang dia risau..

Me: owh..iye...

Umi: Anak dia lelaki

Me: Owh..ok..

Abah: Hah! Taknak ke kenenkan ngan kak nurul?

Umi: Dulu dia dah tanya dah..tapi time tu kak nurul dah ada boyfriend..so cakaplah tak available..

Abah: sekarang dah available dah..

Me: *Krik Krik Krik*

Mak Andak: Kesian anak sedara kita, semuanya kechiwa *literally semua*.. Kau Nurul, tak payah setia-setia sangat.. kawan je dua tiga empat pastu pilih satu..

Me: Amboi..

Mak Andak: Betullah! Buat apa setia-setia sangat, bukan ada apa-apa pon.. dulu teringat apa arwah Pak Cik Farouk pesan kat adik..

Me: Jap Pak Cik Farouk mana?

Mak Andak: Atuk kau lah! 

Me: Mana org tahu..sekali orang lain ke..*sbb atuk belah mak aku Fakhrudin, nama glamour Farouk*

Me: Apa atuk pesan?

Mak Andak: Eh, atuk tak pesan apa2 kat kau ke?

Me: Tak sempat..

Mak Andak: Atuk kau pesan, nanti dah masuk U, cari kawan sorang lepastu pegang kuat2..

Me: Owh..nenek pon pesan yang sama..

Nenek: Kau dah ada kawan baru tak?

Me: ermmm..tak adalah..

Nenek: Nanti cari kawan yang elok, yang boleh membimbing, kawan baik2.. kalau jumpa keluarga dia, jangan meninggi diri..

Me: Ok nek..

Acik: Nanti kau masuk hospital, kau carilah doktor sorang.. Tak pon kau kawan je dengan kawan-kawan Nabil and Abang Aqi *sebab dedua doktor*

Me: Tulah..

Syuhada: Kak Nurul nak cari doktor ke? Tak payah lah...

Me;Apasal pulak tak boleh?
Syuhada: Nak ke? Nanti busy kot..

Me: Ok pe..boleh bukak klinik sesama..kih3

Syuhada: eee, bosanlah!

Member: Siapalah yang kawen dulu kan..

Member: Tulah..siapa yang dah ada calonlah dulu..

Me: Betul..siapa ada calon dulu..cepat2!

Member: Eh, dayah takkan tak ada calon kot..

Me: Betullah! Kenapa? Tak boleh ke dayah tade calon? =.=

Some of the conversation yang semakin kerap sejak kebelakangan ni..

InsyaAllah soalan kerja semua mampu nak jawab lagi,

soalan jodoh tu..kadang-kadang sentap jugak..

Tapi Allah yang pegang rahsia yang kita semua tak tahu..

Yang penting, Dia dah rangka sesuatu yang indah, yang akan aku hargai lebih lagi bila aku dapat suatu hari nanti..

Semuanya serahkan pada Allah..

Dia lebih mengetahui..

Signposts- Lullabies by Lang Leav

What if certain people were signposts in your life? Representations of good or bad. Like an old friend you see across a crowded street, one you wave hello to, before hurrying on. The last time you saw them, things took a turn for the worse and, as sad as it may seem, they have unwittingly become an omen- a precursor of bad luck.

Or that one person whom you rarely speak with, who can always be found right where you left them. You carry their smile with you like a talisman- for whatever reason, their presence in your life will always bring the promise of better days.

Then there is the boy you can never stop thinking about. Whenever you see his name, it trips you up. Even if it's one that belongs to many others, even if he belongs to someone else. 

You know he is a symbol of your weakness, your Kryptonite. How he rushes in like wildfire and burns through everything you worked so hard to build since he last left you in ashes.

So you do the only thing you know how- you put so many miles as you can between him. As many roadblocks and traffic lights as you can gather. Then you build a bold red stop sign right on your doorstep, knowing all the stop signs in the world could never hold him- they can only ask him to stay awhile.- Lang Leav, Lullabies.

Independent Girl

Assalamualaikum..

by 17 things to expect when you date who's used to be on her own

1. Expect her to do her own thing often and without letting you know, at least at first. It’s not that you don’t matter; it’s just that she’s learned to love doing what she wants, when she wants, and without asking permission or informing anyone

2. She'll probably want to take things slowly because she's not used to all the attention. Don't think she don't like you enough, she probably likes you alot; it's just all new to her.

3. Expect her friends to be overprotective of her and to be suspicious of you at first. They’re not used to her being with someone and they’ll want to make sure you’re the kind of guy who will treat her well.

4. She’ll have a hard time letting you do things for her. Try not to take this personally. She’s just used to taking care of herself and it’ll be hard for her to live in a world where she’s got someone else looking out for her in that way.

5. Expect her to be stubborn, to always want things her way, and to fight you when she doesn’t get it. Don’t always give in to her, but do let her win sometimes.

6. She needs to be left alone often especially when you first start seeing each other and it should feel like she’s head over heels. Believe that she has more butterflies in her stomach than she knows what to do with, which is why she’ll need to compose herself.

7. Expect her to pull away from you, especially when she realizes how much she likes you. She’ll come back to you but she’ll need time to think her feelings through.

8. She’ll question you, sometimes directly, sometimes implicitly, about your feelings for her. She’ll always want to know if they are real or if she’s making things up in her head.

9. Expect her to be headstrong. She’ll tell you, “I’ve got this,” more than you’ll want to hear. But she’ll get used to your offers to help. And in time she’ll know how to let go of the tight grip she seems to have on everything.

10. She’ll be guarded, and she won’t be keen on letting you in. She’s waiting to see if you’re patient, she’s waiting to see if you’re worth it. She’s hoping that you’re worth it.

11. Expect her to be stingy with trust, to only give a little bit at a time. But every time she gives you a little, it’ll feel like a big step for her. Cherish these big steps.

12. She’ll come across as strong, maybe too strong for you at first. But don’t be intimidated, this is her outer shell. And when you get to know her, you’ll know she’s strong but soft; tough but kind.

13. Expect her to be reserved, at least about the things that matter. Until you really get to know her. And then you’ll see the untamed, raw, and always beautiful open version of her that she’ll let you fully discover.

14. She’ll be slow with her vulnerabilities, and hide many of her weaknesses. And when she shows you them, she’ll feel naked. Clothe her with your words.

15. Expect her not to need you, and not to believe in needing much of anything at all. But she’ll want you. And when she does, it’ll be the most exhilarating feeling you’ve ever experienced.

16. She’ll be scared – scared to be hurt, scared to love, and be loved. Scared that you’ll eventually hurt her or leave her and if and when that happens, she won’t know who she was before.

17. Being alone is her default, it’s her comfort zone. But expect her to fall in love with you faster than she’ll admit and in a way that isn’t loud but still powerful; it’ll be like a little bit of heaven. And it won’t matter if you love her for a while or for a lifetime; her love will change both you and her forever.

................................

Still am even after those 3 years and yeah, being alone is my comfort zone.

I don't really care not to go out for days or weeks,

I don't care not to talk to any of my friends everyday,

I don't really care about socializing around,

make friends with male,

I don't really care about all that.

Probably, I'm just so in love with myself.

And Him.

Incapable

She is a person incapable to accept that feeling of him,

Not because she hated him,

She's just incapable.

She never thought someone will take care of her the way he did.

The distance she created years ago, wasn't for her,

It was for him. 

Because she's incapable.

It wasn't about the wound she's holding onto.

It never was 

Because the pain never existed years ago.

She doesn't has any intention to make him hurt again,

She knew he's holding a wound too,

and she's sorry she's gonna hurt him again.

She's incapable,

and the distance shall be recreated again.

Amnesia II

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all

The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around

It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long

It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream
'Cause I'm really not fine at all

Amnesia by 5 seconds of summer

Dear No One

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself
Don’t gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold
Got that young love even when we’re old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

I don’t really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeah
But I’d love to have a soul mate
God will give him to me someday& I know it’ll be worth the wait

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold
Got that young love even when we’re old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
...............................

Dear No One by Tori Kelly
I have this thing that I don't really hear songs from original singer.
I hear from covers and it just it.
But this song, I still can't found a good cover singer.
Btw, Congrats though for those who were graduating today.
Hope, you all succeed in your future.
Mine's coming soon.
Dear no one, hope to meet you soon and this time I want to make it correct, the way that we both will get Allah's blessing.

Kalau permulaan hubungan itu bercampur antara keredhaan dan kemurkaan Allah, bagaimana nak dapat penghujung yang diredhai?

Tinggalkan sesuatu perkara kerana Allah, dan Allah akan gantikan dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik. InsyaAllah

Bidadari

Assalamualaikum.

30 & 31hb ogos yang lepas, Alhamdulillah, Allah izinkan aku untuk mengikuti The Bidadari Convention anjuran iMuslim.

To be there with the crowd and to gain knowledge from amazing speakers, what I can say is just BLESSED.

Tak pernah ada pengalaman join majlis ilmu macam ini.

Dulu, tak pernah mencari ilmu macamni,

Berlagak, Ujub, Riak. Astaghfirullah.

Somehow lepas dah habis study and InsyaAllah will be graduating soon,

masa banyak sangat dan terdetik hati untuk cari ilmu.

Bila dah niat entah macamana Allah detikkan pada hati untuk tanya kawan sekolah dulu, Anis

And suddenly tahu pasal Twins of Faith,

Dapat tahu pulak pasal The Bidadari Convention ni lagi beberapa hari nak raya and tarikh macam dah dekat sangat,

ingat tiket dah habis tapi lepastu Anis guide beli dekat siapa semua,

Memula book tiket sorang2, memang tak fikir nak ajak teman pon maybe sebab rasa dah last minute takut tak ada yang nak join.

Punyalah berani nak pergi PICC sesorang padahal event pukul 10 pagi- 10malam.

Tup3, ajak girlfriends pegi twins of faith, pastu cerita sekali pasal The Bidadari and Alhamdulillah Yin and Teha nak pergi sama.

Dekat sana, for the first time, I just can't describe it how I feel there,

The crowd, the speakers, the event, everything, just everything, MasyaAllah!

I never been to a very smooth event as this event,

I don't have any single complaint on it,

I learn a lot. Like seriously a lot. Not only through the lectures but also through the surrounding.

Everyone dekat situ was really nice,

Tak henti mulut dari keluar perkataan, masyaAllah, subhanallah, Alhamdulillah.

To see them covering their aurah completely make me segan untuk pakai something indecent.

Sebab ramai sangat orang, we took the ablution at toilet sink, and mostly lepas habis wuduk akan lap air sekeliling sink tu bagi kering,

Then what I love the most adalah, how I could see everyone's performing their solat just everywhere and anywhere, not necessarily in the musolla.

And how we all performed our solat with the clothing we are wearing outside of the solat.

I remembered back then, orang kita ada stigma yang "you dont have your telekung, you can't perform your solah."

Alhamdulillah, nowadays people are aware, kalau pakaian yang kita pakai untuk keluar rumah tak cukup lengkap untuk kita tunaikan solat, it means we are not covering our aurah right.

I am not righteous pon, I made a lot of mistakes,

I'm learning now, to be better, to stay away from Allah's hatred, to forgive my own mistakes, to ask forgiveness from Him.

Baby steps, This Bidadari Convention cuma batu loncatan for me to change and be better,

Maybe dalam berubah ni pon, ada benda yang macam hipokrit, but somehow we have to be hypocrite till we make it.

Dalam terpaksa tu datang ikhlas.

And somehow, day by day, rasa tenang menyelinap dalam hati,

Bahagia datang dalam duka yang panjang,

Dugaan datang bertimpa-timpa, tapi Allah hadirkan gembira.

Sebab janji dia, Dia ada buat mereka yang sabar, 

Dan sesiapa yang mencari Dia, akan dipertemukan dengan apa yang di cari.
I feel so much better now.
InsyaAllah. Doakan aku istiqamah dalam jalanNya.

Konvensyen Bidadari; Cinta: Fitnah atau Fitrah

Assalamualaikum.

Ini nota aku dari Konvensyen Bidadari.

Slot ni diulas oleh Dr Nik Salida.

Dalam Slot ni ada dua cerita tentang cinta sahabat pada Rasulullah.

Yang petama kisah sahabat yang sentiasa tidur di hadapan bilik Rasulullah bagi memastikan Rasulullah tidur dengan selamat. Sebab cinta akan buatkan seseorang risau sesuatu akan terjadi pada orang yang dicintai.

Yang kedua tentang saudagar minyak wangi yang sentiasa datang ke rumah Rasulullah sebelum keluar berdagang semata-mata untuk melihat Rasulullah. Dia akan tunggu tanpa mengganggu Rasulullah. Sekadar mahu melihat wajah. Suatu hari, dia berkunjung ke rumah Rasulullah dua kali. Sebelum berdagang dan selepas kembali berdagang. Dia memberitahu Rasulullah, dia takut dia takkan dapat melihat Rasulullah lagi (or something like that lah ayat dia). Esoknya, dia meninggal dunia.

Selalunya cinta lahir daripada pandangan dan dari cinta lahirnya syahwah.

Sebab itu, wanita dan lelaki wajib menjaga pandangan.

Cinta pada manusia tidak boleh bercampur dengan maksiat.

Peliharalah cinta umpama bunga agar ia terus mekar. Jaga cinta dan jadikan cinta itu kehormatan.

Racun cinta adalah rindu.

Whatsapp antara dua orang yang berbeza jantina, atau sebarang komunikasi antara dua orang yg berbeza jantina, mungkin ia bukan menjadi fitnah kepada manusia kerana manusia lain tidak dapat melihat, mendengar, membaca dan mengetahui TAPI ia menjadi fitnah pada Allah. Dan fitnah itu menjadi perhatian Allah.

Cinta sebelum berkahwin boleh tetapi tidak digalakkan kerana susah untuk dijaga,

Elakkan pertemuan yang berdua. Sebaiknya pertemuan ditemani ibu bapa atau mahram adik beradik lelaki.

Hormati maruah dan harga diri.

Yang penting adalah restu ibu bapa, kerana banyak punca putus ditengah jalan kerana tidak mendapat restu (lain kali awal2 tanya parents baru approach orang tu)

Cari redha Allah. Kalau awal2 dah buat Allah murka, macamana hubungan Allah nak redha?

Solat istikharah.  Jika untuk kita, Allah akan teguhkan cinta tersebut. Jika bukan untuk kita, Allah akan jauhkan walaupun ada cinta.

Jangan terburu-buru nak berkahwin, persediaan perkahwinan yang penting.

Ramai yang menanggung derita akibat cinta adalah wanita sebab wanita ini terlalu baik.

Dalam mana-mana perhubungan, wanita terlalu baik hingga sanggup bertahan walau dibuat pelbagai kekejaman.

Jaga. Jaga diri. Jaga hati. Jaga batas.

Berapa kali sentap waktu dekat konvensyen bidadari ni pon aku tak tahu.

Satu je yang aku boleh cakap,

bila hati kau pernah terdetik walau sedikit, walau kecil pon kau mempersoalkan tindakan kau tu salah atau pon tak,

masa tu kau tahu sebenarnya benda tu salah.

Sebab fitrah hati kau tahu yang haq dan yang bathil.

Aku pon pernah macam orang lain.

Aku fikir aku pon tak buat salah,

jaga semua perkara,

tapi, tapi masih ada perkara yang di tak apakan tu akhirnya bila kau pandang belakang, 

kau menyesal.

Sebab akal cepat sangat memberi alasan membenarkan perkara yang salah.

Tipu tiada getar pada perkataan sayang, rindu, cinta.

Tipu tiada bunga dan angan2 pada impian yang ditabur,

Tipu tiada rasa pada janji masa hadapan.

Tipu tiada sedikit terusik pada setiap perbualan tanpa arah tuju yang hanya sekadar nak dengar suara,

Tipu tiada perasaan apabila mata bertemu mata pada pertemuan walau ditemani seribu manusia.

Tipu tidak merasa apa-apa melihat sekadar gambar walau bertutup segala aurat.

Itu. Itu yang perlu dijaga.

Ini masa silamku.

Sebab aku sendiri pernah mengalami.

Sebab cinta itu fitrahnya suci, tetapi adab kita hilang, lalu Allah tarik.

Macamana aku jaga,

minima kan perjumpaan, percakapan di telefon, cara bercakap, cara melayan, cara aku menjawab sms/whatsapp,

aku tahu ada yang kurang, ada yang salah.

Aku sedang berusaha, berubah lebih baik.

Nak menjaga susah. Aku tahu.

Aku cuba.

Aku tahu aku tak baik. Mungkin aku akan ulang silapku.

Aku tak tahu.

Tapi kini, aku ingin mencuba dengan peluang kedua yang Allah beri.

Bangunlah, bangun

Lemah, Letih, Tak sihat, Tak mampu, Tak Kuat.
..................
Bangunlah, bangun...
...................
Pening, Lemah..
...................
Bangunlah.. mengadu pada dia...


Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah dan penyayang,
Segala puji bagiMu ya Allah, Tuhan Semesta Alam
Yang maha pengasih dan penyayang.
Yang menguasai hari pembalasan.
Hanya padamu aku beribadah dan hanya padamu aku mohon pertolongan..

Air mata turun setitik demi setitik..

Tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang lurus.
Jalan orang2 yang kau beri nikmat
Bukan jalan orang yang dimurkai dan bukan pula jalan orang yang sesat.

Basah. Muka dah basah bermandi air mata. Teresak dalam pekat malam.
Setiap maksud ucapan yang setiap hari diulang 5 kali sehari menusuk dalam jiwa,
Allahu, banyaknya dosaku yang tak terampun,
Engkau yang Maha Mendengar, 
Terlalu banyak yang ingin aku perkatakan,
Namun terhenti pada ayat ''ampunkan aku ya Allah, ampunkan aku"
Ayat ini terluah tersekat2, diulang beberapa kali,
Sebak. Sebak.
Layakkah aku meminta sedang dosa aku padaMu menimbun tinggi.
Bayangan dosa satu persatu menerjah minda.
Ya Allah... 
Kerana makhluk, aku berduka, kerana makhluk aku terjatuh duduk tak berdaya,
Namun kerana semua ini jadi, aku kembali padaMu..
Ampunkan aku ya Allah.
Sinar hidayah datang saat aku jatuh. Syukur diberi peluang bertaubat.
Allahu, pada pandangan manusia, mungkin silapku kecil,
Mungkin mereka melihat tiada dosa,
Namun aku tahu ya Allah, 
Dalam aku menjaga hati, menjaga batas, menjaga suara dan percakapan,
Ada tindakanku yg menjadi fitnah bagiMu,
Dan kini aku melihat dari sudut berbeza,
Allahu,
Ampunkan aku...
Aku tahu kau sedang merancang sesuatu yang lebih indah,
Namun aku pohon, 
Andai dengan wujudnya cinta pada makhluk menjarakkan aku dariMu,
Kau tutuplah pintu hatiku dari cinta itu,
Aku ingin menjadi wanita yang diredhaiMu terlebih dahulu,
Mencintai pencipta makhluk lebih dari segalanya,
Dan bila Kau rasa aku sudah bersedia, cukup solehah,
Kau hadirkanlah dia, makhlukMu yang akan menjagaku seperti kedua ibu bapaku,
Yang menyayangi kedua ibu bapaku,
Yang kedua ibu bapanya akan menyayangiku seperti menyayangi anaknya sendiri
Yang mampu membimbingku semakin dekat denganMu,
Yang akan mempertahankan aku di dunia dan akhirat.
Maka sebelum kau hadirkan dia, kau jadikan aku wanita solehah yang hanya akan mencintaiMu.
Aku yakin, jalan ceritaMu indah.
Engkau lebih mengetahui sedangkan aku tidak mengetahui.
Amin.

Ini sumber kuatku.
Bangunlah. Bangun dan menangis.
Pada Dia, cinta hati abadi.
Kuatlah walau badanmu lemah, walau sakit, walau payah daan letih.
Bangun sayang.
Sepertiga malam.

Musafir.

"Bermusafirlah, nescaya kau dapat ganti orang yang kau tinggalkan;
Berletihanlah kerana kelazatan hidup itu pada keletihan;
Aku melihat terhenti air itu merosakkannya,
Jika ia mengalir ia elok, jika tidak berjalan tidak elok;
Singa jika tidak meninggalkan hutan tidak garang,
Anak panah jika tidak meninggalkan busur tidak mengenai sasaran - Imam As-Syafi'ie Rahimahullah-"

Assalamualaikum..
Allahu, makin aku fahami segala isi hatiku,
Makin dekat aku dengan pelbagai jawapan,
Terasa jawapan pada persoalan ada disekeliling.
Tanya dan keadaan akan jawab.
Saat aku bermusafir, abang saudara share quotes ni.
Sungguh. Bermusafir itu menenangkan.
Saat keadaan menekan beberapa bulan yang lepas,
Aku temui ketenangan disepertiga malam,
Selain itu, aku rasa tenang dalam kenderaan,
Setiap sinar matahari dan kehitaman malam dalam perjalanan itu ketenangan.
Jujur. Dua saat ini saat aku hargai, rasa kekuatannya masuk ke hati.
Allahu. Indahnya kuasa Mu.
Mungkin sudah terlalu lama aku tak bermusafir,
Musafir kali ini terasa lain,
Seronok. Terlalu seronok.
Setiap pemandangan terlalu indah.
Mungkin dulu dalam perjalanan, aku terlalu asyik dengan telefon,
Berhubung tanpa melihat dunia.
Buta untuk melihat indahnya alam ciptaanNya.
Sungguh, kini perjalananku aku penuhkan dengan ilmu dan mengagumi ciptaanMu.
Tak pernah aku tidak tidur hanya untuk membaca dan melihat pemandangan.
Solace.

support system

Assalamualaikum,

Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Itu sahaja yang aku mampu katakan untuk 3bulan yang paling kuat ini.
Kuat kerana mereka, kerana aku dan kerana DIA.
Dulu, aku pernah rasa lone ranger,
Aku pernah kata lebih baik seorang dari dikelilingi mereka yang hipokrit,
Cukup keluarga dan sahabat terdekat,
Kini, aku tahu kenapa aku senang begitu,
Sebab aku tak pernah sendiri,
Aku punya ramai support system,
Yang dalam tak sedar terlalu menjaga aku.
Allahu, kamu sahabat,
Setiap hari akan ada yang bertanya khabar,
Yang mengirim kata-kata semangat,
Yang menjaga aku,
Walaupun kecil, walaupun sekadar senyuman,
Walaupun sekadar ucapan, kau kuat, tak apa menangis,
Yang kadangkala mereka tidak tahu apa yang terjadi pada diri ini,
Mereka hanya ingin aku gembira.
Anda semua, terima kasih.
Terima kasih Allah kerana hadirkan mereka sebagai teman penguat semangat.
Aku sayang kalian.

Aku tak baik

Aku doa agar kau sihat-sihat sahaja,
Kau dan keluarga maksud aku,
Sihat walafiat ke anak cucu.

Aku maafkan kau,
Untuk setiap salah dan silap,
Atas semua yang terjadi,
Segala penipuan, segala pengkhianatan, segalanya,
Aku juga mohon kau maafkan aku,
Atas segala yang pernah jadi antara aku dan kau,
Atas apa yang telah tertulis dulu, sekarang dan akan datang,
Atas apa yang mengguris rasa.

Aku doakan kau dapat kerja yang kau mahu,
Tapi sekurang-kurangnya kau khabarkan pada semua di negeri mana,
Biar angin sampaikan padaku,
Biar aku tahu dimana bumi mu.

Tidak, aku tidak baik.
Sungguh terlalu jauh aku dari definisi baik.
Aku doa kau sihat agar aku tak kan bertemu kau lagi di tempat aku bekerja nanti,
Aku pohon maafkan aku dan aku maafkan kau,
Bukan sebab aku baik,
Tapi aku tak mahu bertemu kau di padang mahsyar nanti,
Aku mahu tahu dimana bumi kau berpijak,
Sebab aku pohon agar bumi kau dan aku takkan bertemu lagi.
Maaf, aku tidak baik.
Tapi, mungkin ini yang terbaik.
Niatku satu masa nanti akan jadi ikhlas,
Tapi cukup aku doakan yang baik-baik, dan minta yang baik-baik,
Walau disulam niat kepentingan diri.

Penulis

Assalamualaikum..

Ketika umurku 8 tahun,
Aku pernah ditanya apa cita-citaku,
Aku jawab, 'nak jadi penulis'
Sebab aku jatuh cinta pada buku,
Setiap tulisan itu punya kekuatan,
Setiap penulisan ada cerita,
Kuat untuk mendorongku merasa apa yang penulis rasa,
Aku terlalu banyak novel,
Library dirumah bukan satu, terlalu banyak,
Dari library khas hingga ke ruang tamu ke bilik tidur,
Di semua tempat ada buku,
Dulu umi dan abah peruntukkan satu bulan boleh beli satu buku,
Kedai buku adalah tempat wajib singgah kalau ke shopping mall,
Aku pernah menulis sebuah cerita di dalam buku tulis sekolah,
Hampir penuh, namun aku buang,
Mungkin apa yg tertulis terlalu kelakar untuk dibaca sekarang,
Kemudian, aku menulis blog,
Masuk universiti, cinta aku pada buku makin merudum,
Mungkin sebab buku pelajaran sudah terlalu banyak untuk dibaca,
Dan kini, aku kembali menjadi hantu buku,
Hantu menulis.
Kerana perkataan terlalu kuat sifatnya,
Melahirkan rasa hati yang tak terucap dibibir.
Maka, fahamilah,
Setiap manusia ada cara untuk terus kuat,
Dan ini cara aku,
Satu masa aku akan tulis kegembiraan aku,
Tapi ada masa aku perlu menulis kekecewaan aku.
Ada perasaan yang aku saja yang rasa,
Ada perasaan yang turut dirasa orang lain,
Yang turut merasa,
Aku tulis untuk aku kuat dan kau kuat,
Dalam dunia kita, Allah akan hadirkan manusia lain untuk kita memberi motivasi,
Ada yang panggil tempat bersandar bahu,
Tapi aku panggil tempat menumpang semangat,
Sebab hanya Allah tempat sandar yang takkan pernah tinggalkan kita.

okay

Assalamualaikum..

Kata seorang teman pada aku,
'You had just break up, but I see that you are okay, unlike other people they got depressed,
I told her this,
"at first, it breaks me too, i cried too but then I know the truth, all the lies, how he made up excuses, I told myself, this is not worthy. He does not worth my tears. For a coward boy like him, not worth it."

By this break up,
I know I am stronger than I thought I was,
I did not lose myself completely,
And thank god I never really dependent on him throughout our relationship.
He was once a person I shared what I went through for years,
But that was it,
And Alhamdulillah for all this bless,
I thank Allah to break this relationship,
Because from this relationship and breakup,
I learn to love Him more,
I learn to protect myself more,
I learn to carefully accept love afterwards,
I am not against love,
But I learn the right people will love you correctly,
They would do anything to make you the rightful wife,
They will learn to respect your feeling and time,
It is such a waste for years attach to the wrong person,
When probably the right one is waiting for you.
Allah have a better plan,
Allah have prepared the happiness you deserve to get,
Allah, I never feel as peaceful as today.

Allah suruh jaga sebenarnya- teman, sahabat.

someone who can by yuna

Excuses are overrated
Apology not accepted
When I catch you with someone else
Stop victimizing yourself

When you want someone to hold onto
I won't be there
When you want someone to lie to
I won't be there

Somebody will always understand
Somebody will always care
You didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can
Somebody is gonna love me
And I'm gonna love them back
You didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can

She doesn't know who you are
Too young to understand
And you don't even know what you want
And I've given you everything

So when you want someone to love you
I won't be there
When you cry alone in your room
I won't be there

Somebody will always understand
Somebody will always care
You didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can
Somebody is gonna love me
And I'm gonna love them back
You didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can
I'll find someone who can

I don't wanna feel this again
I don't wanna feel all this pain
I don't wanna feel this heartbreak
I just wanna get on this plane

Somebody is gonna love me
(Somebody is gonna love me)
And I'm gonna love them back
(And I'm gonna love them back)
You didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can

Somebody is gonna love me
(Somebody is gonna love me)
And I'm gonna love them back
(And I'm gonna love them back)
You didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can

yuna

Moving on after knowing the truth was easy for me,
Hurt is another different story,
because I can forgive but for what damages that have been done,
for all the lies that was feed to me,
for all the broken hearts,
that is something that I will never forget,
too much damages,
you have broke too many hearts,
Boy, have you forgotten what I said before,
Allah is there for me my dear..
He always protect me.
Whatever happened between me and you,
I leave it to Allah..
May Allah bless you and Let fate fares us well ;)

Istikharah

Assalamualaikum..
Istikharah, was one of the most commonly said and done when there is choices to made in life,
It sound easy but it was one of the most hardest solat I have ever made.
One of the toughest, to put our feeling aside,
and ask Allah for forgiveness, and rely completely to Allah..
Terlalu berat..
Selepas satu titik dalam kisah sejarah aku dan dia,
kami temui jalan buntu, atau mungkin lebih mudah aku katakan, AKU temui jalan buntu,
pada DIA lah tempat aku mengadu teresak-esak,
setiap malam selama sebulan aku bangun,
menangis pada DIA..
Allahu, ujianmu pada hati berat,
namun aku muhasabah diri..
Berapa lama aku tidak bangun bertahajjud pada DIA,
Berapa lama aku tak bangkit memohon ampun pada dia,
pada setiap dosa yang aku 'tak apa' kan..
Istikharah aku buat sekali dengan 3 serangkai ( tahajud, taubat dan hajat)
Susah, sebab pada mulanya hati aku tidak adil,
aku pilih dia, hati ini pada dia,
kerana itu keputusan memberat sentiasa pada dia..
namun semakin lama aku ikhlaskan hati menyesali dosa yang mungkin aku terlepas pandang,
taubat itu penenang, punca kedamaian hati,
bila mencari jawapan, Allah beri jawapan,
namun bukan dengan cara yang 'straight to the point'
berlapik, terlindung, tersembunyi,
Usaha. Allah nak tengok usaha kau mencari jawapan.
Allah takdirkan aku menonton video tu dari status Aiman Azlan.
Sehari sebelum semuanya terjawab, aku ikut sebiji-sebiji apa yang Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda ajarkan..
Alhamdulillah, aku temui dengan mudah,
walaupun luka di hati terlalu besar, terlalu hancur..
Itu jawapan Allah untuk aku..
Selepas semua berakhir, tenang..
Terlalu tenang walaupun air mata turun macam air terjun,
bukan sehari dua..
Namun hati ini tenang dan syukur..
Terlalu banyak hikmah yang aku nampak..
Alhamdulillah Allah selamatkan aku daripada manusia itu..
Banyak persoalan yang bertahun tersimpan yang akhirnya terjawab sekarang..

Oleh itu, aku sharekan sedikit point daripada video ini..
Jawapan daripada Allah itu, yang paling baik, yang paling indah..
Seteruk mana hati ni terluka, Allah sebenarnya nak jaga hati kita dari lebih cedera daripada sekarang..

Nota video:
Istikharah bukan macam ‘magic egg ball’ atau dadu, yang bila awak tanya, awak baling, awak putar dah dapat jawapan..

Istikharah adalah 3 step decision making process:
1.Menggunakan akal

• ambil faktor yang boleh dipertimbangkan

• option yang available

• duduk dan fikirkan
• buat research tentang perkara yang difikirkan
• buat kesimpulan ataupun kecilkan scope pemilihan

2. Istisyarah
Cari nasihat dari mereka yang lebih berpengalaman dan lebih pengetahuan
Cari nasihat dari seseorang yang matang dan alim serta sayangkan diri kita

3. Istikharah
Masa ini, kita mungkin lebih menyebelahi satu pilihan daripada pilihan yang lain selepas buat research dan nasihat dari orang terdekat.
Kita hanya perlukan keyakinan untuk buat pilihan tersebut.
Kita nak kan ketenangan fikiran dan jiwa untuk memilih jawapan tersebut.

Cara:
Sama macam solat sunat yang lain, tiada surah yang specific.
Baca doa istikharah selepas salam. Baca dalam bahasa Arab. *penting* tak perlu baca doa yang lain selain doa ni.
Boleh buat bila2 masa kecuali waktu yang diharamkan solat.

Outcome/ Hasil:

• Mimpi bukanlah semestinya hasil daripada istikharah dan bukanlah sesuatu yang kita boleh ambil inspirasi daripadanya. Mimpi tisak boleh beri jawapan. Jangan terlalu taksub dengan mimpi.
• Hasil daripada istikharah adalah ketenangan fikiran dan keyakinan untuk membuat keputusan. Rasa tenang dalam hati untuk buat pilihan yang kita dah berat memilih tadi. Kita rasa selesa pilih A daripada dan rasa lebih yakin pilih A.
• Kalau kita rasa down, berat, rasa doubtful, takut, berbelah bagi mungkin ia bukan yang terbaik untuk kita.

Kenapa Istikharah sukar untuk kita:

• Sebab kita cari sesuatu yang luar dari alam ni, yang supernatural.
• Kita kena belajar untuk cermin diri kita, reflek diri sendiri..
• Kalau masih buat istikharah tetapi belum ada jawapan dan tak confident dengan jawapan, buat lagi dan lagi sehingga kita rasa yakin dan selesa membuat keputusan.
• Mungkin kita belum cukup reflective dan keadaan sekeliling membuatkan kita rasa spiritually numb/ dull. Jadi buat istikharah sampai yakin.

Dari Jabir bin `Abdullah al-Ansari bahawa beliau berkata:
“Rasulullah sallAllahu `alaihi wa sallam telah mengajar kami supaya melakukan solat Istikharah dalam menentukan semua perkara sebagaimana Baginda mengajar kami surah dari Al-Quran.  Baginda bersabda:
“Apabila seseorang kamu berasa ragu dalam sesuatu urusan maka rukuklah (solatlah) dengan 2 rakaat (tetapi) ia tidaklah diwajibkan.
Kemudian, berdoalah:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ
اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ
اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ رَضِّنِي بِهِ

“Ya ALLAH, sesungguhnya aku memohon petunjukMU menurut pengetahuanMU, dan aku memohon ketetapan dengan kekuasaanMU, dan aku memohon dari kelebihanMU Yang Maha Agung kerana sesungguhnya ENGKAU lah yang berkuasa dan aku tidak berkuasa, dan ENGKAU lah mengetahui dan aku tidak mengetahui, dan ENGKAU lah Tuhan Yang Mengetahui perkara-perkara ghaib.

Ya ALLAH, jika ENGKAU tahu bahawa urusan ini baik untukku, pada agamaku, pada kehidupanku dan pada akibat urusanku, maka tentukanlah ia untukku dan mudahkanlah ia untukku, kemudian berkatilah untukku padanya.

Ya ALLAH, jika ENGKAU tahu bahawa urusan ini buruk untukku, pada agamaku, pada kehidupanku dan pada akibat urusanku, maka jauhkanlah ia dariku dan jauhkanlah aku darinya, dan tentukanlah untukku kebaikan di mana sahaja ia berada, kemudian jadikanlah aku redha dengannya.”
Kemudian Rasulullah bersabda lagi:
“Kemudian dia menyebutkan apakah hajatnya…”
(HR al-Bukhari)

Independent women

Independent women is so hard to love,
Because they dont depend on others,
Not even to their love one,
They learn everyone's gonna leave,
And thus they tend to do things on her own,
I was raised in a family full of women,
Abah was the only men in the family,
Umi's siblings are all women too,
And I don't really make friends with male gender,
It was just my choice,
The only male friend that I am comfortable with was my matrix friends and.. that one history,
Being independent teach me to be stronger on my own,
I gotta be what I wanna be,
I don't really share what I feel,
And when I do, I wrote it down,
And that's the reason why I owned a blog.
Being independent teach me to drive on my own to go places that I want,
I am capable to shop alone,
To pay for the things that I want without asking it from someone else,
Being independent, they consult others, but they are the one that make their own decision,
For every risk, they are the one that gonna go through it,
Independent women are firm with their opinion,
Firm with their answers and decision,
Able to say no, and able to deny,
Independent women don't need a man to do things for her,
She need someone to support her dreams, her ambitions,
And understand that she is not that weak,
They need to understand, she is strong and she is capable to do things on her own.
Independent women cry too, but she was able to wipe her own tears,
She stumbles too, but she wont take that long to stand again,
She is stronger and she will survive.
She just don't care about other people,
In her eyes, she is what she is,
 a strong, fierce and fearless women.
Independent women are hard to love,
Once people throw them away, they bounce away more than they intended them to be,
And she'll turn away, never come back.
Independent women choose to be matured, well-behaved, act intelligently and elegantly,
What leave them, don't deserve them.
And mostly, Allah is enough for them

Nini

Beberapa minggu lepas,
Sebelum semua jadi,
Nini makin sihat,
Makan bertambah, nampak dia makin gemuk..
Tapi, lepas semua jadi..
Dia makin kurus..
Dia nak makan tapi bila bagi dia umpama tidak lalu,
Hingga umi kata, "shanini dah kurus, macam kak nurul.."
Maaf, aku juga tidak lalu,
Bukan tak cuba, tapi tekak ini tak mampu..
..........
Minggu ini, nini makin teruk..
Kurus kering, hanya tinggal kulit,
Aku terus bawa dia ke vet,
Allahu, vet diagnos dia chronic kidney failure..
Background aku buat aku terlalu faham keadaan itu,
Balik rumah dia makin teruk..
Nini makin nazak..
Makan dan minum guna picagari/syringe..
Lepas berbuka, aku cuba bagi dia air dan makanan,
Dia tolak tangan aku, marah..
Lalu aku,bawa dia naik kebilik aku..
Aku letak dia dalam bakul,
Namun dengan kudrat yang sedikit,
Dia cuba keluar,
Tak kuat, hanya separuh badannya keluar..
Aku tarik dia dan letak dia di sudut bilik, tempat kegemaran dia..
Aku alas dengan tuala kerana suhu dia makin menurun..
Lepas terawikh aku lihat dia bergerak ke lantai tak beralas,
Mungkin dia panas..
Aku usap muka dia, badan dia..
Aku kata.. "maafkan kak nurul shanini, selalu abaikan kau terutama di tahun akhir ni, terima kasih sebab selalu ada untuk kak nurul.. doakan kak nurul bahagia.. sorry nini for everything.."
Mata dia yang kering sebab dehydrate nampak berair..
Nampak macam mata dia yang sihat, cantik, bulat dan hitam..
Aku tahu, she wont make it..
Sedih, sebak, sebab aku tahu, dia akan pergi dan aku akan berseorangan,
Cuma, cuma aku tak sedia, sebab terlalu banyak yang terjadi..
Allahu, dugaanMu berat..
Lalu, aku bentangkan tilam dilantai dan bawa dia tidur disebelahku..
Aku menangis hingga letih, usap kepala dia dan aku terlelap dengan tanganku di dada dia..
Merasa denyut jantung dia..
............
Abah kejutkan tahajjud..
Malam 27 Ramadhan..
Aku bangun terus pandang nini,
Check jantung dia..
Dia makin lemah..
Tangan dia kearah tempat aku tidur..
Seperti kebiasaan dulu,
Dia akan peluk tangan aku saat aku tidur..
Tahajud malam itu, penuh dengan tangisan..
Allahu, kalau kau ingin bawa dia pergi, bawa dia dengan tenang..
Mata dah membengkak, tapi semua faham..
Lepas subuh, dia masih ada..
Aku terus berbaring balik sambil letak tangan pada dada dia..
Namun akhirnya, pagi itu..
Nini pergi tinggalkan aku..
Hanya Allah tahu perasaan aku..
Aku hilang dia, yang mendengar aku sentiasa,
Dia faham, walaupun dia kucing
10 tahun, dia lebih faham aku dari manusia lain..
Nini sayang, kak nurul tahu kak nurul kuat..
Nini bantu kak Nurul nanti..
Dia tak pernah menyusahkan,
Tak pernah buat orang marah,
Tak pernah bising nak minta sesuatu..
Terlalu baik..
Aku pernah kata, "macamana nak tinggal nini nak raya ni?"
Umi kata, "dia dah tak lama tu.."
And I cried because I know it is true..
Dan dia tak nak menyusahkan
I love you so much..

Allahu..kuatkan aku..
Moga berakhir Ramadhan, berakhirlah semua episod duka.. :'(

Abah

Assalamualaikum..

Sejak hari itu,
Semuanya berbeza..
Abah tak marah, tak pujuk, tak tanya,
Tapi hari ini..
Dalam kereta,
Abah pandang..
Aku: pandang apa?
Abah: kesian kak nurul...*tgn sblh pegang stereng sebelah usap kepala aku* ...dia ni pon, tak ada perasaan betul..
Aku: .....
Abah: dia sedih tak?
Aku: tak kot..
Abah: mana kau tahu?
Aku: dia dah happy lah ngan orang baru..boleh nampaklah abah..kalau gambar dia sama2 dengan orang tu..
Abah: so?? Move on.. this is the real life.. not everything will comes your way..
........

Because time flies but you keep breaking it's wing, so you'll never fade_ tablo, eyes nose lips.

A wall up high

She has nothing to offer,
nor friendship, nor relationship,
she was lousy in both,
All she did was to make everyone unhappy,
She has shed so many people's tears,
and each tears, make her heart sank.
She told herself, to built a wall up high,
where no one can reach her,
and most importantly, no one can be hurt by her..
Strong girl break apart too,
it is not she's pushing away everyone around her,
sometimes she wonder,
where are they?
no friend, no love.

she take the blame when everyone around her feel lonely,
she keep asking herself, have I been ignorant?
can't I see they are in pain, sadness?
they need me and where am I?
All the thoughts, all the question in her head,
when she is going through the pain, the sadness and the loneliness too.

She is no angel,
She never think she is the best for everyone,
she has her own insecurities,
she cries too,
her heart ache too,
she told herself, it was her fault,
not everyone else but hers.
and thus, she built her wall up high,
to stop herself to asked everyone, where are they?

Love is an addiction

Assalamualaikum.

It is scientifically proven that love is an addiction.
It is shown that people in love will produce a hormone called serotonin in the brain which is responsible in regulating the mood or feeling of happiness of a person.
It is also says that chocolate also produce the same feeling as people in love.

And just like most addictive drugs, it causes addiction because we can't get enough,
after a while, a person won't feel the 'high' that they feel at the first time they take the drug,
thus a person get addicted and keep on wanting more. *there is pharmacological reason behind this but in layman term, let me just stop it here*

Why people can't move on after a break up is because they are in a term called 'withdrawal'
Just like drugs such as Methamphetamine or ecstasy, it is addictive and at some point when the user has discontinue taking the drugs, they will have the symptoms of withrawal; depression, sadness, emotionally disturbed and feeling down.
The serotonin hormone also are scientifically found that it will last only for 2 years.
Thus, after 2 years, only loyalty remain.
Afterall, love can always replenish.
And that is how you can feel in the way your parents and family always love you for years and forever.
Because somehow, love is an addiction, and we keep on wanting more.

And thus, love is an addiction.

footnote: and that is how chocolate is an addiction, and we keep on wanting more.

A beauty freak.

Assalamualaikum.
I got a new hobby developed few months ago i guess.
It has been a long time ago actually I took interest in something called make up and beauty product.
Since I was in secondary school I am very particular on what I am putting on my face.
and then I start to wear few things, one at a time.
Starting with cleanser, to compact powder, to lipbalm and now I have all sort of makeup thingy.
BUT this hobby does not make me wear make up everyday when I go out.
In fact I have all the minimal make up on.
It is just a hobby. I just love to put it on other people face and make it look pretty.
I learn all the application from Youtube especially from Pixiwoo and Jaclyn Hills channel.
Both are my favourite youtubers and they are so pretty!
month by months I am getting better and my make up collection is a lot.
and now Sephora is opened in Malaysia and I am so excited eventhough the price is a bit pricey,
but I still have the choice to buy an affordable things by NYX and Sephora itself.
One thing about this hobby is you really have to be patient and spend a lot of money since make up and skincare is pricey.
and that is why I can only bought 1 to 2 item monthly and always find what worth your money.
so to keep it short, I give a sneak peak of all my product and my makeup trial.
Teehee *tataw nak tulis apa dah kat blog sbb lama sangat tak menulis*

new item: bronzer, mascara, eyeliner, concealer and eyeshadow.

a letter to you.

Assalamualaikum.
I am a bit persuasive and annoying once I care about a person,
especially to those that I love.
I can't bear to see them in pain or tears,
I just can't.
I want to be there when they are in trouble,
I want them to lean on me, cry on my shoulder and let me wipe their tears.
It is all because I care too much.
So, when you said you are all alone, no one to turn to, nobody is there for you,
I keep asking myself, Where am I? What am I doing?
I feel really bad, I tried my best to reach you,
Unfortunately I can't hold you and be there for you.
I understand that you don't want me to see you in pain,
but your eyes, your gesture and your action speak it for you.
You are not happy, you are no longer you.
We have tried our best not to talk about what happened,
try to cheer you up, try to accept what you have chosen for yourself,
but it feels like you are the one who are not accepting what you have chosen.
It make me doubt if you have made the right decision.
I always have the thought why can't you wait a little, clear up your thoughts and make the decision later.
You don't have to rush for something this big,
because feeling is not something that we can force.
you are hurt, but please don't hurt anyone else with the decision you made when your feeling is still confused.
The pain is unbearable, we understand it although we are not in your shoes,
but we know time will heal and decide everything,
If you are happy with what you have now, then focus on it and stop looking back and unhappy for what happened at the past because you chose it.
If you are still not happy with what you have now, catch what make you happy.
This is not a small decision, this is your life.
You own your life and your happiness.
We just can't stand to see you unhappy but pretending that you are okay.
we are not okay to be happy when you are not okay.
because after all you know we care..maybe too much, I'm sorry.
and for this letter, I am so sorry because I don't know how to tell this to you.
whatever you decide and choose, if that make you happy, we will always support you.
you knew it, kan?

Sorry and I love you.