diam.

assalamualaikum.

Diamnya aku, bukan kerana takut berkata-kata,
tapi acap kali kata-kataku dipandang enteng.
Diamnya aku bukan kerana tiada semangat,
tapi semangatku hilang pabila mereka sering mencari kesalahan pada setiap kataku.
Diamnya aku bukan kerana aku manusia tanpa pandangan,
tapi pandanganku sering diabaikan kerna aku bukan sesiapa.
Diamnya aku bukan kerana tiada pendirian,
tapi apabila aku suarakan mereka memperkecilkan ku.
Diamnya aku bukan kerana aku pendiam,
tapi diamnya aku kerana aku pernah bersuara..
tapi, suaraku terlalu kecil dan terlalu mudah dipandang sebelah mata,
suaraku ini tidak pantas buat manusia hebat sepertimu..
Namun aku yakin,
suatu hari nanti, sunyinya suaraku bakal didengar dan diambil berat.

.

"Well, love is when their happiness is all that matters.
You'll love them even if they're not into you.
You'll love them even if you're in it all alone.
And you'll calmly accept those circumstances and carry on with life. Because unrequited love isn't the end of your life, right?
You cant't tell yourself to completely forget someone. But you can tell yourself to accept the fact that the person you love doesn't need you." (athira azrin, 2013)

it is not what other gives you,
it is what you give to others.

Evolution?transformation? transformer! haha

assalamualaikum..
since we will be having our first annual dinner,
people around me was so eager to talk about the preparation and stuff.
and most of it, how to loss weight.
and because I've lost a lot of weight before, people asked me a lot.
and some did not believe that I was chubby before.
honestly, I am not fat as in obese-fat..I am chubby.
with my height around 152 cm, at that time I might weighed around 53/54kg..*yes, it is not fat*
my thigh at that time was too obvious,
and my round face is so obviously round..
I was almost the same size as my umi..
my jeans were around size 29/30.
I gained weight when I was in form 2/3.
then of course after SPM make it worse because I learned baking and cooking and I am not working.
I start to get on diets several time but it fails.
but this is the point where my diet routine changed.
decrease intake of carbs (rice) and more intake of the lauk, salads.

form 5

after SPM

                                                    

                                                                  form 5, believe it or not..hua3, prefect camping!

after I went to matrix, my weight starts to decrease.

this might due to the stress, the adaptation to asrama life, the studies and etc.

at this moment, people start to said that I am getting skinnier.

my weight after matrix was around 50kg but it was pretty obvious.

matrix.

when I enter MSU, again, I losses more weight..

at that time I was adapting with the new environment,

catching up with the learning process and etc..

first year

first year

second year was very hectic and busy.

we had 24 credit hours, went to class from 8 am to 8 pm..

most of my classmates also had a changes in their body weight.

but different from me, they are gaining weight and I am losing weight.

my weight decrease drastically from 51 to 45kg..

and I was not on diet.

it just that, I don't have the appetite.

second year

second year

second year

                                     

                                       third year

last month

last week

so for end of last year, everything is getting better,
and I start to eat a lot actually..
hope that my weight won't be increasing although I feet a bit bloated..
being insecure is just something that I can't help.
people will always tell me, "cukuplah kata nak kurus, kalau kau gemuk, aku ni apa?"
but I just dont want to be bigger than what I am now, that is what I meant when I am controlling my body.
and, never said that I was perfect from the beginning, I am not.
and who said skinny is perfect?

p/s: actually people who decreased their weight drastically tend to have a yoyo body weight..wuwuwu..

a heart, an ice.

assalamualaikum.

i can equalize my heart with an ice.

it seems so cold and hard on the outside.

my past make me the coldest person alive to everyone around me.

I have selective hearing. I hear what I want to hear, and ignore what I don't want to hear.

I am very good in keeping my tears invisible to everyone else.

I've stopped myself from telling what is in my mind, stop being as I am..

deep inside, I torn so much, that nobody notice bout it.

each day, I keep telling myself to be stronger,

I don't have anyone to tell because word is a restriction to me.

word is the hardest thing to say and explain for me.

I may act nonchalant, ignorant, but everything matter to me.

why must when things are getting better,

I hear something that I shouldn't.

I cried again, for the thing that happened long ago.

and, I dont even know why. It just the past hurt me so much.

I cried in public, where everyone may not see, when I thought no one sees.

because I just felt that it hurt.

it hurt so much but all that I can do is to behave myself.

That is exactly what others tell me.

"Hidayah please, don't do this, don't do that...people will get hurt if you did that..can't you get it"

Can't anyone get it? I am getting hurt too. I can't pleased everybody. 

Ice is not as hard as it seems. 

just tell me this.

"So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad."

- JOHN GREE

assalamualaikum.
at first when I read this on Fatehah's blog, I just think, god! this is so true..
people always tell us to stop crying, it is not worth it, you'll be better, don't think about it, when all you want to do at that time is cry all you want, to think all about it to the core till you are giving up thinking about it.
nobody tell you that it's okay to cry, I know it hurts you a lot, you need to let it out..nobody ever said that.
But I guessed, that's the best remedy.
I need that.
I just need somebody to say, it is okay to cry, but once you stop crying you have to look a head..
only then I can see that things are getting better.
because by doing that, we'll stand on reality.
and the reality is....it hurt because it mattered.

I think I wrote too much on my feelings in this blog.

Just ignore that.