A step out of fear

Antara ribuan kali doa yang di tabur
pada setiap timbunan awan
serta pada setiap landasan di serata pelusuk bumi,
pabila akhirnya Allah memakbulkan ia satu persatu
tiada kata yang mampu ku ucap
hanya air mata dan syukur pada Ilahi tidak putus lahir dari hati
Perasaan itu tidak mampu diungkai dengan perkataan
Memulakan itu tidak mudah bilamana ia pernah parah
Namun kali ini ia sangat berbeza
Pada sebuah doa,
Ya Rabb, bukakanlah hatiku hanya pada yang telah kau ciptakan untukku,
Dan Dia menjadikanku seorang wanita yang tidak mudah jatuh cinta lagi,
seorang yang dikatakan terlalu selesa berdikari sehingga terlalu memilih.
Bukan terlalu memilih, tetapi hati dan perasaan ini tidak mampu menerima,
tidak mampu untuk aku terangkan.

pada sebuah doa,
Ya Rabb, pertemukanlah aku dengan jodohku,
maka pertemuan itu telah lama terjadi.

Ya Rabb, jika dia ada disekelilingku, maka kau lorongkanlah dia untuk mendekat dengan ku
Dan Dia melorongkan jalan untuk dia menegurku dan mengenalku.

Ya Rabb, buka kanlah hatinya untuk melihatku.
Dan Dia membukakan pintu hati kami untuk menerima satu sama lain.
Indahnya perancangan Tuhan pada sesuatu yang telah lama terjadi.
Kun FayaKun.
Allah yang memegang hati kami dan Allah yang berhak membolak-balikkan perasaan kami.
Maka peliharalah kami ya Rabb

Pada doa-doa ini ya Rabb, ampunkan hambamu yang berdosa.
Sedangkan dosa-dosaku menimbun tinggi namun masih kau tetap Kau perkenankan permintaanku satu persatu.

Pulang

Tak usahlah kau risau pasal ku Ku tahu kau mahu kejar impianmu Aku tahu kau ingin mencari diri Tempat jauh dari sini Memang jauh, Belum apa sudah rindu Belum apa jadi ku dah tunggu dua minggu Walaupun kau tiada di sisiku Fikiranku semua tentang "to be with you".

Ku rasakan kau dan aku semakin jauh Terpisah sementara ku rasa bertahun Cukupkah cinta dan janji tanpa jasad menemani Kekalutan dunia buat aku terlupa Kehidupan mencuri masa dari kita. Biar ku pulang Ke pangkuanmu Jadi yang terbaik Hanya untukmu

Biar ku pulang.

Tak usahlah kau risau pasal ku Ku tahu kau mahu kejar impianmu Aku tahu kau ingin mencari diri Tempat jauh dari sini Memang jauh, hey di seberang laut Meskipun kau jauh penggilanmu kan ku sahut Walaupun kau tiada di sisiku Kau buat ku bangga seperti ku di situ. Apabila aku pergi dengar sini aku janji Kan aku pulang bila engkau panggil Ku terus menunggu di sini masih Menghitung hari Hingga kau tergerak hati untuk kembali Jadi. Biar ku pulang Ke pangkuanmu Jadi yang terbaik Hanya untukmu Biar ku pulang. Pulang Biar ku pulang. Ku terus menunggu di sini masih Menghitung hari Hingga kau tergerak hati untuk kembali Jadi. Biar ku pulang Ke pangkuanmu Jadi yang terbaik Hanya untukmu Biar ku pulang .
...........
When everyone questioning me Why I am still here,  so far away from home,
You are the only one who tell me it's okay,
Come back when I am ready and you will be there when I'm back.
I am grateful for having you now.
I am thankful to Allah for reuniting us again.
Allah is indeed prepared us a very beautiful path.
Hoping that Allah bless this friendship towards a better ending.
Ameen.

"Love you"

How this two words just changed my whole day.

Disturbed. Dumbfounded.

Emotionally detached.

I am not sure how I feel at that time when I hear that on the phone.

I am quite sure that it is just a teasing,

a measure of joking,

but I just stare at the phone and then hang it down.

Let me break this down:

a) we are not even close enough to joke around like that.

b) how easy it is to say this word.

c) That is a very sensitive line.

That is the most expensive word that I just couldn't simply say,

and hearing it said to me, I just have a mix feeling about it.

Second after I hear that, my head ache so much that I have to take a Tab of Stemetil.

And yet, I am still couldn't even digest what has been said to me just now.

The conversation from A-Z was repeating in my head.
Probably I am definitely a Philophobic and now it has gotten worse.
All this symptoms are very suggestive.

It is difficult to process this in my brain right now,

and even words did not flow smoothly as I write this.

I just wish I never hear it earlier this morning.

how mid twenties makes me feel pathetic.

Assalamualaikum.
I am not sure how am I supposed to write this up.
Mid twenties sure are tiring and frustrating.
Probably while I'm writing this, it is the time of the month.
It is very emotional to go through all this.
I love my life and myself.
I am happy for what I am and I am grateful for what He had given to me.
All this rizq, this life, I am very blessed with everything.
I have a smooth ride all this while.
I am not that wealthy, but we have enough of everything,
I am not really smart but Alhamdulillah, I have a good career and I love my job.
I am not that pretty, but I love to look descent and presentable,
I am not that kind, but I tried to be nice and practice what Islam teach me,
I am not above average, I am just average and I am blessed for that.
But all of this, people still think that I am more than perfect.
This perfect-ness, made them questioned me on that one thing that I don't have,
marriage, relationship, man.
Yes, despite all that I have, this are the thing that I don't have.
Honestly, I am almost give up on this.
I'm just 25 years going to 26 years old, I know, giving up is too early.
My surroundings that separated me with a creature named Male make relationship almost impossible.
I live in a city so far away from home, which most colleague are married and non-muslim.
AND, most of my colleagues are female.
All my life, I am surrounded by female, I can count my male friends in my contacts,
It felt like Allah is somehow protecting me from this species. I don't know but yeah.
owh, back to the marriage thingy, I never felt that the matter was a burden for me.
My parents did concern about this matter but they never push me for it,
They know that jodoh is something that is beyond us.
We can't force jodoh.
But this matter concern me recently when my cousins started to get married, engaged and bringing their partners to our family events.
No, it's not that their relationship and marriage bothering me but their thoughts on me and the thought of my closed relative towards me that make me feel bothered.
Just one thing that I asked from them is:
Marriage is a beautiful news, why would you worry on what I would feel. Ofcourse, I am happy for you guys. This is what I truly felt second after I heard about the news eventhough I am the last person who knew about it. Marry when you are ready and you don't have to wait for anybody for your own marriage.
" Diorang tak nak kau terasa."
This is what makes me feel pathetic.
I am hurt by this statement.
I am silenced by this.
That happen in a car, and I took my pillow pretending to sleep but I'm not.
All the way, I pretend to sleep with my pillow soaking wet.
I heard that the topic has move on,
suddenly Abah asked me this,
" Nurul, manusia mana yang paling berat diuji Allah?"
That question blow my mind, and I said, " Nabi"
"Yup, Nabi dan Rasul. Allah uji bersesuaian dengan tahap keimanan seseorang"
I am speechless again and I took my pillow and cover my face again and Abah changed his conversation.
............................
I don't questioned Allah for the things that I don't get.
He knows how much I prayed for it,
and how much I tried,
how much I try to make friends with people,
but somehow I know that when the time is right and if He permit it, it will happen somedays.
But if it is not meant for me,
I know He have a better plan for me.
I just hope that people could stop making me feel pathetic and sympathize me for something that is beyond my control.
Allah menguji titik paling lemah aku,
and yes, siapa yang tak nak ada pasangan.
I just don't make it such a big deal.
Kalau Allah nak bagi, Allah bagi.
Satu lagi, berkeluarga juga salah satu rezeki dan nikmat Allah nak bagi,
jadi syukurlah pada nikmat yang Allah nak bagi atau tak nak bagi.
This could be a blessing in disguise.
As I usually say, Sabar itu mudah, syukur itu payah.
Pada nikmat yang Allah belum bagi, tak bagi tu, sabar itu mudah,
tapi pada setiap nikmat yang Allah dah bagi dan bagi tanpa kita sedar, nak bersyukur tu susah.
I want to learn to be grateful for everything that I have.
Alhamdulillah.
Therefore, do not feel burden by what you have that I don't. I am glad that you were given that nikmat that I am not yet given. Whatever it is, count your blessing, I prayed for all of your happiness sincerely as your family and closed members. If you are concerned about me, put me on your prayers too and let Him blessed me with your love. I am forever grateful for that. Only Allah can pay for your thoughts and kindness. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan dunia dan akhirat. Selamat melangkah ke alam perkahwinan dan diberikan barakah, sakinah dan mawaddah. Amin.

Picture

Assalamualaikum.
Is a picture is just a picture?
Every single picture has a memory behind it
The only person who knew about it are the person inside of the picture and person behind that picture
Even if that picture is just a picture of one person posing nicely
It takes a memory of more than one person
That is how precious a picture is
It hold a memory lasting forever

This picture hold so many stories.
Behind it was a girl that stand up tall besides a person who shattered her heart.
She capture this because deep down she knew it was their last memory together.

She remember everything that was said to her at that moment.

"Thanks for today, for waiting, for all this time and for... Everything"

And she cries because the time is up.

It should've ended at that moment. If only the other person was courage enough.

Unfortunately she was hurt by the false hope and was hurting even more, that she forgot this beautiful last speech for her.

Life is funnier in your mid 20s

Remember when someone told you,
If someone love you,  they'll wait for you?
Well, in case that you had passed 25 years old,
This statement is invalid.
At this age,  most of them are just desperately want to get married.
As I aged,  I've seen failing marriage as much as  I saw a high school lover end up with a marriage.
It's a lot.
That is what I guess the aftermath of those 'bercinta lepas nikah'  campaign around my teen years and early 20s.
I know it sounds harsh.
It's true.
I read somewhere that the reason why they easily get into divorce is because how easy it was to get marry that the marriage did not give them a value that they feel the need for the marriage to be protected.
Even around a group of friends there are some of them that are in a verge of divorce and it ended up terribly.

As I age, all this relationship and marriage is a huge issue for myself and people around me.

I've been asked about this question for numerous time that I've lost count,

and I don't even have the answer for this.

And as I aged, I met a lot of people and that include guys too.

From the thing that I experiences, it get funnier in a mean way sometimes.

I've met a guy who already have a girlfriend but still flirting with me, bought me food when I work at night, praising me and keep comparing me with his girlfriend. Then, I make it clear and create those wall, Alhamdulillah I heard he's married to his girlfriend last month.

I've met a guy who at first did not have a girlfriend, keep calling me in the middle of the night, flirt around, calling me sweet names and give me hope, sharing dreams, hobby and etc, but the next thing he went on a trip with his new girlfriend and they are happy together and I no longer hear from him.

Maybe, I just met the one that are not serious and just playing games with me.

I have met the serious guy.
This is the person that I feel terribly sorry for. He was really serious on marrying me, he even told my mom about it. He approached me well but unfortunately I wasn't ready. It's too fast and I felt that I just couldn't accept him. I rejected him and I know he was really hurt on what I did for him. Months and months that I really feel terribly sorry for him, as if I gave him hopes but then I totally can't go on. There are certain reasons that I just couldn't explain why I rejected him. Something about feeling comfortable and acceptation. However, I heard that he was engaged this month. 

This is what I found funny. It's silly to think it's funny but something about jodoh and fate is often twisted and surprising. This man that approach me exactly a year ago, are engaged within a year afterwards, sound funny for me. No, don't get me wrong but something about feeling is incredible. You can love another person early this month and the next few months if it is fated, you'll fall for another.

This is the funnier thing that I realize in my mid 20's.

Tell me, how marriage is a wonderful thing that you can still in love with that person for as long as you could. And you will fall out of love for a moment but in a marriage you will keep coming back and nourish that love again and again to keep going.

That is how I learn and understand about love.

And that is what I realized the funnier thing about people and love.

You'll fall in and out of love and you keep searching for love.

For me, every time a person approach me, there are part of me that feels floating but reality keep my feet on the ground.

I can't hurt another person for the love that I want because somehow I came to understand that hurtful feeling so well.
And for this funny thing that happening to me, somehow I feel really afraid to know a person, as I have told the stories on those guy that I met, all of them are either meeting another girl at the same time or moving on too fast.
These are the funny thing that somehow scared me.

Oh Allah, please guide me to the one that was meant for me.