Sunday, August 6, 2017

how mid twenties makes me feel pathetic.

I am not sure how am I supposed to write this up.
Mid twenties sure are tiring and frustrating.
Probably while I'm writing this, it is the time of the month.
It is very emotional to go through all this.
I love my life and myself.
I am happy for what I am and I am grateful for what He had given to me.
All this rizq, this life, I am very blessed with everything.
I have a smooth ride all this while.
I am not that wealthy, but we have enough of everything,
I am not really smart but Alhamdulillah, I have a good career and I love my job.
I am not that pretty, but I love to look descent and presentable,
I am not that kind, but I tried to be nice and practice what Islam teach me,
I am not above average, I am just average and I am blessed for that.
But all of this, people still think that I am more than perfect.
This perfect-ness, made them questioned me on that one thing that I don't have,
marriage, relationship, man.
Yes, despite all that I have, this are the thing that I don't have.
Honestly, I am almost give up on this.
I'm just 25 years going to 26 years old, I know, giving up is too early.
My surroundings that separated me with a creature named Male make relationship almost impossible.
I live in a city so far away from home, which most colleague are married and non-muslim.
AND, most of my colleagues are female.
All my life, I am surrounded by female, I can count my male friends in my contacts,
It felt like Allah is somehow protecting me from this species. I don't know but yeah.
owh, back to the marriage thingy, I never felt that the matter was a burden for me.
My parents did concern about this matter but they never push me for it,
They know that jodoh is something that is beyond us.
We can't force jodoh.
But this matter concern me recently when my cousins started to get married, engaged and bringing their partners to our family events.
No, it's not that their relationship and marriage bothering me but their thoughts on me and the thought of my closed relative towards me that make me feel bothered.
Just one thing that I asked from them is:
Marriage is a beautiful news, why would you worry on what I would feel. Ofcourse, I am happy for you guys. This is what I truly felt second after I heard about the news eventhough I am the last person who knew about it. Marry when you are ready and you don't have to wait for anybody for your own marriage.
" Diorang tak nak kau terasa."
This is what makes me feel pathetic.
I am hurt by this statement.
I am silenced by this.
That happen in a car, and I took my pillow pretending to sleep but I'm not.
All the way, I pretend to sleep with my pillow soaking wet.
I heard that the topic has move on,
suddenly Abah asked me this,
" Nurul, manusia mana yang paling berat diuji Allah?"
That question blow my mind, and I said, " Nabi"
"Yup, Nabi dan Rasul. Allah uji bersesuaian dengan tahap keimanan seseorang"
I am speechless again and I took my pillow and cover my face again and Abah changed his conversation.
I don't questioned Allah for the things that I don't get.
He knows how much I prayed for it,
and how much I tried,
how much I try to make friends with people,
but somehow I know that when the time is right and if He permit it, it will happen somedays.
But if it is not meant for me,
I know He have a better plan for me.
I just hope that people could stop making me feel pathetic and sympathize me for something that is beyond my control.
Allah menguji titik paling lemah aku,
and yes, siapa yang tak nak ada pasangan.
I just don't make it such a big deal.
Kalau Allah nak bagi, Allah bagi.
Satu lagi, berkeluarga juga salah satu rezeki dan nikmat Allah nak bagi,
jadi syukurlah pada nikmat yang Allah nak bagi atau tak nak bagi.
This could be a blessing in disguise.
As I usually say, Sabar itu mudah, syukur itu payah.
Pada nikmat yang Allah belum bagi, tak bagi tu, sabar itu mudah,
tapi pada setiap nikmat yang Allah dah bagi dan bagi tanpa kita sedar, nak bersyukur tu susah.
I want to learn to be grateful for everything that I have.
Therefore, do not feel burden by what you have that I don't. I am glad that you were given that nikmat that I am not yet given. Whatever it is, count your blessing, I prayed for all of your happiness sincerely as your family and closed members. If you are concerned about me, put me on your prayers too and let Him blessed me with your love. I am forever grateful for that. Only Allah can pay for your thoughts and kindness. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan dunia dan akhirat. Selamat melangkah ke alam perkahwinan dan diberikan barakah, sakinah dan mawaddah. Amin.


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