Do you remember.

Assalamualaikum.
Everything was so fast.
I am no longer a teenager who started this blog to engraves all my memories here.
So much had happened.
I'm an adult now.
I'm working, living far away from my family,
paying my bills and managing my own life.
Few months back,
I read about a celebrity couple that are getting divorce.
Farah Lee and Ally Iskandar.
It actually give a slight impact on me,  because back then he was my Ally.
Other than that,  it often saddened me to see couple that look so good together decided to broke off.
Well, that's how life is. Nothing is permanent.
Back to my story,
I am no longer in Tawau, Sabah.
Yet, I am still far away from home and it is farther now than before.
I have to take 2hours ride to the nearest airport before flying another 2.5 hours to KL.
I live in an actual village.
Just a small cozy house. I really love this house.
It only have two rooms, a bathroom and small kitchen for myself.
My parents came here two weeks ago and they filled my house with all my needs.
Thus, it really feels like home.
I remembered back then, someone asked me if I could live in a village instead of a city.
I am an uptown girl.
I was living in Shah Alam all my life and even my hometown is only 20mins away from Shah Alam.
But I proved him wrong.
I am that girl that could adapt well, in whatever situation.
I proved my self-worth.
I am ready to forgive but forgetting is a harder fight.
I saw the years you counted with her. It wasn't the same calculation that I had in my mind.
I counted 3 years since my heart was shattered but the love you created with her has already been 4 years.
I wonder were we living in a different time zone.
That is somehow what made the memories left still painful.
I still don't know which one is real and which one is not.
I am no longer mad nor angry with you.
I just can't forgive the wrong things you did, and yet I remembered the good things you had.
However, you were a person I used to know.
3 years had passed,  how would I judge the person you are now.
I no longer know you.
And you no longer know me.
But I know you are happy,
And I know I am happier now than before.
But I will never know when will I learn to open my heart and will there be someone that will ever gain my heart ever again.
If you ever read this, please keep me in your prayer.
I could not imagine what will happen if we are ever to meet again.
That's a reason why I'm glad I'm far away from both of you.
I'm coming back one day and that fine day,  I still hope we will never meet again.
I hope our fate ended back then in 2014,
The day that I sent you home hoping that you give me a last glance through my rear mirror but you never did.

Submission.

Assalamualaikum..
It's been a while.
A lot has happened,
I am still here in Sabah.
As I've finished my PRP and waiting for my placement,
everyone keep asking me, "are you coming back to Semenanjung? Where did you choose for your next placement?"
And at first my answer was "still Sabah"
Both of my parents have a very different opinion towards each other.
Umi wants me to be back at Selangor *specifically Selangor*
and Abah know that I still want to stay here do think that it is still a good choice.
Therefore, on the day that I filled the placement form, I was contemplating but I wrote a very spontaneous decision.
I choose Selangor as my first choice instead of filling the name of hospitals in Sabah.
I did it for my parents.
There are one time when I went back home,
out of no where when we were discussing about Sabah,
Abah said to me " Kak Nurul bawak diri kan kat Sabah?"
I am all recovered but I have to agree that one of the reason why I am here because I need to heal.
Atleast I am so far away from everything that wound and hurt me.
And afterall I am recovered.
Thus, I put Selangor as my first choice.
I love it here but I don't really belong here.
I belong with my family.
However, I dont even know if I am ready to go back.
Later on, I did what I did best,
I rely it to Allah. He knows best.
If it was meant to be, if it was the perfect timing for me to go back home, than it is time to be back home or even Semenanjung.
And wherever I go and wherever He put me, it is always because He know I could do it.
Everything happened for a reason and He will always have a reason to put me where I am and where will I be at.

Thantophobic

That one day,
That one friend asked me on something that happened around us,
She asked me,
"You observed all that and why you keep it all by yourself?
We are all so closed that I thought we are open to discuss on anything that hurt us.."
Thing about me, I am really honest about my feeling,
I never lie if you asked me about it,
but I will never be the first person to tell about it to you.
Especially when things upset me and it hurt me too much.
And I told her,
" It is not that I never tell, but no one ever take it seriously. Afterall, I can't force people to love me. Furthermore, I'm leaving soon. Everything will be better"
" You shouldn't kept it by yourself. Poor you. I thought you didn't realize anything or you never cared about it. Express yourself. Please."
" It is just me. Let it go. It already happened."
" Seriously, tell us how you feel. I thought we can talk about anything"
" This is what I am. There are two kind of people that will never leave me, my family and my bestfriends. And things are always like this for me. I was never that person that everyone would look into first and after some times, everyone will just leave. It happened a lot of time before. Things are going on so great and suddenly poof, everything's gone. Like what I said, I can't force people to stay.
" Please, don't think like that."
"I'm leaving soon. It all will be better and I will always start over again"
" That is the reason why you have problem with commitment and that is why you are comfortable with someone that did not give you commitment."
"Maybe"
"It's okay but next time, tell me, tell us aout everything.It's okay. We'll be there."
.........
but she never really opened up herself to them.
Caused she know sooner or later, we are all gonna leave.

broke me

I always win in every area of life,
A good family,
A good friend,
A good education,
A good job,
A good surroundings,
*Alhamdulillah*
I win in everything if all that is considered winning except love.
And I always lose to another women.
Always.
....................

I broke my own heart,
for a hope that is hopeless,
for something that never begin
and something that is never intended,
how random everything happened,
that my mistake was to fall,
to the only person that able to make me feel again,
to a person that could bring back the warm feeling of care,
to smile just when I saw his name on the screen,
to just want to share a good movie I just watch,
and just to have a random conversation on anything,
to understand his hobbies and why he love it,
to just want to say something even if he never reply,
And to just pray to Him whenever I terribly miss that person.
The fact that he's happy with someone that is not me,
it broke me,
and ofcourse it makes me cry.
but yet, I hope he's happy.
And again, I always know when to leave,
and when I leave, I know I'll never come back.
One thing for sure,
each time I leave, I'll never be the same person again.
And it often leave a scar on my heart,
 a reminder that I am always difficult to love.

Falling

Of all people in this world,
Of all people i've met,
It is you.
For years had passed and never realize you are right infront of me.
Come and disappear,
But you never really go.
I never really mind of your busy life,
As when you came to me,
I know there is smile in my face,
And butterflies in my heart.
I can't call this love nor relationship
But
Why don't you stay?
I'm offering you.

Tachycardic.

That heart of mine
That lost all the rhythm and songs,
Suddenly start beating,
And I could hear it through my ears.
It was so loud,
That it interferes my concentration.
You are so fine.
So charmingly fine.
You appeared in my dreams countless of time,
And yet, you are unreachable.
How would a girl like me be with a man like you.

For all of the hearts being broken

All this while,
I was the heartbroken.
I was the one getting hurt.
And I was the one who were left behind.
Until then, I learn,
I'm the one who broke their heart.
I'm really sorry for those hearts I hurt,
For those love I denied,
And for all proposals I refused.
I thought I was ready for the next thing in life,
But I learnt, I wasn't ready for love.
He was a good man from a good family whom I prayed for these criteria every single day.
I learnt, what I prayed for, the Almighty will always give it to me but not everything I prayed for is compatible and suitable for me.
At this moment, at this stage of life.
And I realized, this is not a mere love story, not even a fairytale.
Life is beautiful, as its chapter unfold.
I learn to accept me and my flaws and my past and everything else.
I'm in love with myself and Him.
For now, my prayer is to let life flows on its own.
I can't force love and no one could.
I've made istikharah twice (in a period of time) and lesson from it was:
1. Ask Him, and He will always answer.
2. The answer is in your heart and go with your instinct.
3. Sometimes, the answer lies on your parents' guidance. They know you more than you know yourself.
4. Never feel burden with your answer, for it came from The Almighty.
5. If both of you were meant for each other, Allah will move both of their heart and not only one heart.

You can't force your instinct and heart.
However, it still doesn't feel good to hurt someone.
That sometimes it haunt me.
I'm really sorry because I know how hurt it was.

The symptoms.

Those thoughts of that special person,
Spreading in my heart,
It makes the heart beat so fast,
Created adrenaline rush all over the body,
It built butterflies flying all over the stomach
And all my limbs started to feel cold for excitement,
And suddenly with just one thought of the words we spoke last night,
Made me smile involuntarily
And I can't help but to smile and sometimes laugh all by myself.
Those feeling of flying when both of our feet still hold onto the ground,
And the happiness you can't resist
As if it was a beautiful dream,
And a wonderful gift,
All these feelings and symptoms,
All has long gone from me.
And I'm writing it here to makes me remember,
Because somehow,
I almost forget this feeling.
Not that I don't want to but I couldn't feel it though.
And it makes me feel,
Less human.

Favor

Don't you wanna be there again?
Where?
To loved and be loved?
What do you mean? I am loved by others and I love them back.
That's not what I mean.
Then, what?
To have someone that are always there for you.
I already have that. My best friends and family.
I mean... The other half.
I won't lie, I'm searching but I'm leaving it to fate. If the time is right it will surely come to you.
Did it still hurt?
Maybe. But I'm cherished it. If my heart wasn't crushed, I'm not feeling this happiness that I feel right now and then. I learnt a lot and that past mistakes made me cherish my life now.
Does it change u?
Yes.
And that's why u won't love again?
Not true. It just no one really stayed. No one would prove to me that they'll stay. They just come and go and never stay. That's the reason why.
Why don't you asked them to stay?
Because I won't beg for anyone to stay. I won't tell them I wish they would stay. It just me. If a person would want to stay, they'll stay no matter what. It is their choice because I am always stay with those who wanna stay.