Independent women

Independent women is so hard to love,
Because they dont depend on others,
Not even to their love one,
They learn everyone's gonna leave,
And thus they tend to do things on her own,
I was raised in a family full of women,
Abah was the only men in the family,
Umi's siblings are all women too,
And I don't really make friends with male gender,
It was just my choice,
The only male friend that I am comfortable with was my matrix friends and.. that one history,
Being independent teach me to be stronger on my own,
I gotta be what I wanna be,
I don't really share what I feel,
And when I do, I wrote it down,
And that's the reason why I owned a blog.
Being independent teach me to drive on my own to go places that I want,
I am capable to shop alone,
To pay for the things that I want without asking it from someone else,
Being independent, they consult others, but they are the one that make their own decision,
For every risk, they are the one that gonna go through it,
Independent women are firm with their opinion,
Firm with their answers and decision,
Able to say no, and able to deny,
Independent women don't need a man to do things for her,
She need someone to support her dreams, her ambitions,
And understand that she is not that weak,
They need to understand, she is strong and she is capable to do things on her own.
Independent women cry too, but she was able to wipe her own tears,
She stumbles too, but she wont take that long to stand again,
She is stronger and she will survive.
She just don't care about other people,
In her eyes, she is what she is,
 a strong, fierce and fearless women.
Independent women are hard to love,
Once people throw them away, they bounce away more than they intended them to be,
And she'll turn away, never come back.
Independent women choose to be matured, well-behaved, act intelligently and elegantly,
What leave them, don't deserve them.
And mostly, Allah is enough for them

Nini

Beberapa minggu lepas,
Sebelum semua jadi,
Nini makin sihat,
Makan bertambah, nampak dia makin gemuk..
Tapi, lepas semua jadi..
Dia makin kurus..
Dia nak makan tapi bila bagi dia umpama tidak lalu,
Hingga umi kata, "shanini dah kurus, macam kak nurul.."
Maaf, aku juga tidak lalu,
Bukan tak cuba, tapi tekak ini tak mampu..
..........
Minggu ini, nini makin teruk..
Kurus kering, hanya tinggal kulit,
Aku terus bawa dia ke vet,
Allahu, vet diagnos dia chronic kidney failure..
Background aku buat aku terlalu faham keadaan itu,
Balik rumah dia makin teruk..
Nini makin nazak..
Makan dan minum guna picagari/syringe..
Lepas berbuka, aku cuba bagi dia air dan makanan,
Dia tolak tangan aku, marah..
Lalu aku,bawa dia naik kebilik aku..
Aku letak dia dalam bakul,
Namun dengan kudrat yang sedikit,
Dia cuba keluar,
Tak kuat, hanya separuh badannya keluar..
Aku tarik dia dan letak dia di sudut bilik, tempat kegemaran dia..
Aku alas dengan tuala kerana suhu dia makin menurun..
Lepas terawikh aku lihat dia bergerak ke lantai tak beralas,
Mungkin dia panas..
Aku usap muka dia, badan dia..
Aku kata.. "maafkan kak nurul shanini, selalu abaikan kau terutama di tahun akhir ni, terima kasih sebab selalu ada untuk kak nurul.. doakan kak nurul bahagia.. sorry nini for everything.."
Mata dia yang kering sebab dehydrate nampak berair..
Nampak macam mata dia yang sihat, cantik, bulat dan hitam..
Aku tahu, she wont make it..
Sedih, sebak, sebab aku tahu, dia akan pergi dan aku akan berseorangan,
Cuma, cuma aku tak sedia, sebab terlalu banyak yang terjadi..
Allahu, dugaanMu berat..
Lalu, aku bentangkan tilam dilantai dan bawa dia tidur disebelahku..
Aku menangis hingga letih, usap kepala dia dan aku terlelap dengan tanganku di dada dia..
Merasa denyut jantung dia..
............
Abah kejutkan tahajjud..
Malam 27 Ramadhan..
Aku bangun terus pandang nini,
Check jantung dia..
Dia makin lemah..
Tangan dia kearah tempat aku tidur..
Seperti kebiasaan dulu,
Dia akan peluk tangan aku saat aku tidur..
Tahajud malam itu, penuh dengan tangisan..
Allahu, kalau kau ingin bawa dia pergi, bawa dia dengan tenang..
Mata dah membengkak, tapi semua faham..
Lepas subuh, dia masih ada..
Aku terus berbaring balik sambil letak tangan pada dada dia..
Namun akhirnya, pagi itu..
Nini pergi tinggalkan aku..
Hanya Allah tahu perasaan aku..
Aku hilang dia, yang mendengar aku sentiasa,
Dia faham, walaupun dia kucing
10 tahun, dia lebih faham aku dari manusia lain..
Nini sayang, kak nurul tahu kak nurul kuat..
Nini bantu kak Nurul nanti..
Dia tak pernah menyusahkan,
Tak pernah buat orang marah,
Tak pernah bising nak minta sesuatu..
Terlalu baik..
Aku pernah kata, "macamana nak tinggal nini nak raya ni?"
Umi kata, "dia dah tak lama tu.."
And I cried because I know it is true..
Dan dia tak nak menyusahkan
I love you so much..

Allahu..kuatkan aku..
Moga berakhir Ramadhan, berakhirlah semua episod duka.. :'(

Abah

Assalamualaikum..

Sejak hari itu,
Semuanya berbeza..
Abah tak marah, tak pujuk, tak tanya,
Tapi hari ini..
Dalam kereta,
Abah pandang..
Aku: pandang apa?
Abah: kesian kak nurul...*tgn sblh pegang stereng sebelah usap kepala aku* ...dia ni pon, tak ada perasaan betul..
Aku: .....
Abah: dia sedih tak?
Aku: tak kot..
Abah: mana kau tahu?
Aku: dia dah happy lah ngan orang baru..boleh nampaklah abah..kalau gambar dia sama2 dengan orang tu..
Abah: so?? Move on.. this is the real life.. not everything will comes your way..
........

Because time flies but you keep breaking it's wing, so you'll never fade_ tablo, eyes nose lips.

A wall up high

She has nothing to offer,
nor friendship, nor relationship,
she was lousy in both,
All she did was to make everyone unhappy,
She has shed so many people's tears,
and each tears, make her heart sank.
She told herself, to built a wall up high,
where no one can reach her,
and most importantly, no one can be hurt by her..
Strong girl break apart too,
it is not she's pushing away everyone around her,
sometimes she wonder,
where are they?
no friend, no love.

she take the blame when everyone around her feel lonely,
she keep asking herself, have I been ignorant?
can't I see they are in pain, sadness?
they need me and where am I?
All the thoughts, all the question in her head,
when she is going through the pain, the sadness and the loneliness too.

She is no angel,
She never think she is the best for everyone,
she has her own insecurities,
she cries too,
her heart ache too,
she told herself, it was her fault,
not everyone else but hers.
and thus, she built her wall up high,
to stop herself to asked everyone, where are they?

Love is an addiction

Assalamualaikum.

It is scientifically proven that love is an addiction.
It is shown that people in love will produce a hormone called serotonin in the brain which is responsible in regulating the mood or feeling of happiness of a person.
It is also says that chocolate also produce the same feeling as people in love.

And just like most addictive drugs, it causes addiction because we can't get enough,
after a while, a person won't feel the 'high' that they feel at the first time they take the drug,
thus a person get addicted and keep on wanting more. *there is pharmacological reason behind this but in layman term, let me just stop it here*

Why people can't move on after a break up is because they are in a term called 'withdrawal'
Just like drugs such as Methamphetamine or ecstasy, it is addictive and at some point when the user has discontinue taking the drugs, they will have the symptoms of withrawal; depression, sadness, emotionally disturbed and feeling down.
The serotonin hormone also are scientifically found that it will last only for 2 years.
Thus, after 2 years, only loyalty remain.
Afterall, love can always replenish.
And that is how you can feel in the way your parents and family always love you for years and forever.
Because somehow, love is an addiction, and we keep on wanting more.

And thus, love is an addiction.

footnote: and that is how chocolate is an addiction, and we keep on wanting more.