Life is funnier in your mid 20s

Remember when someone told you,
If someone love you,  they'll wait for you?
Well, in case that you had passed 25 years old,
This statement is invalid.
At this age,  most of them are just desperately want to get married.
As I aged,  I've seen failing marriage as much as  I saw a high school lover end up with a marriage.
It's a lot.
That is what I guess the aftermath of those 'bercinta lepas nikah'  campaign around my teen years and early 20s.
I know it sounds harsh.
It's true.
I read somewhere that the reason why they easily get into divorce is because how easy it was to get marry that the marriage did not give them a value that they feel the need for the marriage to be protected.
Even around a group of friends there are some of them that are in a verge of divorce and it ended up terribly.

As I age, all this relationship and marriage is a huge issue for myself and people around me.

I've been asked about this question for numerous time that I've lost count,

and I don't even have the answer for this.

And as I aged, I met a lot of people and that include guys too.

From the thing that I experiences, it get funnier in a mean way sometimes.

I've met a guy who already have a girlfriend but still flirting with me, bought me food when I work at night, praising me and keep comparing me with his girlfriend. Then, I make it clear and create those wall, Alhamdulillah I heard he's married to his girlfriend last month.

I've met a guy who at first did not have a girlfriend, keep calling me in the middle of the night, flirt around, calling me sweet names and give me hope, sharing dreams, hobby and etc, but the next thing he went on a trip with his new girlfriend and they are happy together and I no longer hear from him.

Maybe, I just met the one that are not serious and just playing games with me.

I have met the serious guy.
This is the person that I feel terribly sorry for. He was really serious on marrying me, he even told my mom about it. He approached me well but unfortunately I wasn't ready. It's too fast and I felt that I just couldn't accept him. I rejected him and I know he was really hurt on what I did for him. Months and months that I really feel terribly sorry for him, as if I gave him hopes but then I totally can't go on. There are certain reasons that I just couldn't explain why I rejected him. Something about feeling comfortable and acceptation. However, I heard that he was engaged this month. 

This is what I found funny. It's silly to think it's funny but something about jodoh and fate is often twisted and surprising. This man that approach me exactly a year ago, are engaged within a year afterwards, sound funny for me. No, don't get me wrong but something about feeling is incredible. You can love another person early this month and the next few months if it is fated, you'll fall for another.

This is the funnier thing that I realize in my mid 20's.

Tell me, how marriage is a wonderful thing that you can still in love with that person for as long as you could. And you will fall out of love for a moment but in a marriage you will keep coming back and nourish that love again and again to keep going.

That is how I learn and understand about love.

And that is what I realized the funnier thing about people and love.

You'll fall in and out of love and you keep searching for love.

For me, every time a person approach me, there are part of me that feels floating but reality keep my feet on the ground.

I can't hurt another person for the love that I want because somehow I came to understand that hurtful feeling so well.
And for this funny thing that happening to me, somehow I feel really afraid to know a person, as I have told the stories on those guy that I met, all of them are either meeting another girl at the same time or moving on too fast.
These are the funny thing that somehow scared me.

Oh Allah, please guide me to the one that was meant for me.

Do you remember.

Assalamualaikum.
Everything was so fast.
I am no longer a teenager who started this blog to engraves all my memories here.
So much had happened.
I'm an adult now.
I'm working, living far away from my family,
paying my bills and managing my own life.
Few months back,
I read about a celebrity couple that are getting divorce.
Farah Lee and Ally Iskandar.
It actually give a slight impact on me,  because back then he was my Ally.
Other than that,  it often saddened me to see couple that look so good together decided to broke off.
Well, that's how life is. Nothing is permanent.
Back to my story,
I am no longer in Tawau, Sabah.
Yet, I am still far away from home and it is farther now than before.
I have to take 2hours ride to the nearest airport before flying another 2.5 hours to KL.
I live in an actual village.
Just a small cozy house. I really love this house.
It only have two rooms, a bathroom and small kitchen for myself.
My parents came here two weeks ago and they filled my house with all my needs.
Thus, it really feels like home.
I remembered back then, someone asked me if I could live in a village instead of a city.
I am an uptown girl.
I was living in Shah Alam all my life and even my hometown is only 20mins away from Shah Alam.
But I proved him wrong.
I am that girl that could adapt well, in whatever situation.
I proved my self-worth.
I am ready to forgive but forgetting is a harder fight.
I saw the years you counted with her. It wasn't the same calculation that I had in my mind.
I counted 3 years since my heart was shattered but the love you created with her has already been 4 years.
I wonder were we living in a different time zone.
That is somehow what made the memories left still painful.
I still don't know which one is real and which one is not.
I am no longer mad nor angry with you.
I just can't forgive the wrong things you did, and yet I remembered the good things you had.
However, you were a person I used to know.
3 years had passed,  how would I judge the person you are now.
I no longer know you.
And you no longer know me.
But I know you are happy,
And I know I am happier now than before.
But I will never know when will I learn to open my heart and will there be someone that will ever gain my heart ever again.
If you ever read this, please keep me in your prayer.
I could not imagine what will happen if we are ever to meet again.
That's a reason why I'm glad I'm far away from both of you.
I'm coming back one day and that fine day,  I still hope we will never meet again.
I hope our fate ended back then in 2014,
The day that I sent you home hoping that you give me a last glance through my rear mirror but you never did.

Submission.

Assalamualaikum..
It's been a while.
A lot has happened,
I am still here in Sabah.
As I've finished my PRP and waiting for my placement,
everyone keep asking me, "are you coming back to Semenanjung? Where did you choose for your next placement?"
And at first my answer was "still Sabah"
Both of my parents have a very different opinion towards each other.
Umi wants me to be back at Selangor *specifically Selangor*
and Abah know that I still want to stay here do think that it is still a good choice.
Therefore, on the day that I filled the placement form, I was contemplating but I wrote a very spontaneous decision.
I choose Selangor as my first choice instead of filling the name of hospitals in Sabah.
I did it for my parents.
There are one time when I went back home,
out of no where when we were discussing about Sabah,
Abah said to me " Kak Nurul bawak diri kan kat Sabah?"
I am all recovered but I have to agree that one of the reason why I am here because I need to heal.
Atleast I am so far away from everything that wound and hurt me.
And afterall I am recovered.
Thus, I put Selangor as my first choice.
I love it here but I don't really belong here.
I belong with my family.
However, I dont even know if I am ready to go back.
Later on, I did what I did best,
I rely it to Allah. He knows best.
If it was meant to be, if it was the perfect timing for me to go back home, than it is time to be back home or even Semenanjung.
And wherever I go and wherever He put me, it is always because He know I could do it.
Everything happened for a reason and He will always have a reason to put me where I am and where will I be at.

Thantophobic

That one day,
That one friend asked me on something that happened around us,
She asked me,
"You observed all that and why you keep it all by yourself?
We are all so closed that I thought we are open to discuss on anything that hurt us.."
Thing about me, I am really honest about my feeling,
I never lie if you asked me about it,
but I will never be the first person to tell about it to you.
Especially when things upset me and it hurt me too much.
And I told her,
" It is not that I never tell, but no one ever take it seriously. Afterall, I can't force people to love me. Furthermore, I'm leaving soon. Everything will be better"
" You shouldn't kept it by yourself. Poor you. I thought you didn't realize anything or you never cared about it. Express yourself. Please."
" It is just me. Let it go. It already happened."
" Seriously, tell us how you feel. I thought we can talk about anything"
" This is what I am. There are two kind of people that will never leave me, my family and my bestfriends. And things are always like this for me. I was never that person that everyone would look into first and after some times, everyone will just leave. It happened a lot of time before. Things are going on so great and suddenly poof, everything's gone. Like what I said, I can't force people to stay.
" Please, don't think like that."
"I'm leaving soon. It all will be better and I will always start over again"
" That is the reason why you have problem with commitment and that is why you are comfortable with someone that did not give you commitment."
"Maybe"
"It's okay but next time, tell me, tell us aout everything.It's okay. We'll be there."
.........
but she never really opened up herself to them.
Caused she know sooner or later, we are all gonna leave.

broke me

I always win in every area of life,
A good family,
A good friend,
A good education,
A good job,
A good surroundings,
*Alhamdulillah*
I win in everything if all that is considered winning except love.
And I always lose to another women.
Always.
....................

I broke my own heart,
for a hope that is hopeless,
for something that never begin
and something that is never intended,
how random everything happened,
that my mistake was to fall,
to the only person that able to make me feel again,
to a person that could bring back the warm feeling of care,
to smile just when I saw his name on the screen,
to just want to share a good movie I just watch,
and just to have a random conversation on anything,
to understand his hobbies and why he love it,
to just want to say something even if he never reply,
And to just pray to Him whenever I terribly miss that person.
The fact that he's happy with someone that is not me,
it broke me,
and ofcourse it makes me cry.
but yet, I hope he's happy.
And again, I always know when to leave,
and when I leave, I know I'll never come back.
One thing for sure,
each time I leave, I'll never be the same person again.
And it often leave a scar on my heart,
 a reminder that I am always difficult to love.