broke me

I always win in every area of life,
A good family,
A good friend,
A good education,
A good job,
A good surroundings,
*Alhamdulillah*
I win in everything if all that is considered winning except love.
And I always lose to another women.
Always.
....................

I broke my own heart,
for a hope that is hopeless,
for something that never begin
and something that is never intended,
how random everything happened,
that my mistake was to fall,
to the only person that able to make me feel again,
to a person that could bring back the warm feeling of care,
to smile just when I saw his name on the screen,
to just want to share a good movie I just watch,
and just to have a random conversation on anything,
to understand his hobbies and why he love it,
to just want to say something even if he never reply,
And to just pray to Him whenever I terribly miss that person.
The fact that he's happy with someone that is not me,
it broke me,
and ofcourse it makes me cry.
but yet, I hope he's happy.
And again, I always know when to leave,
and when I leave, I know I'll never come back.
One thing for sure,
each time I leave, I'll never be the same person again.
And it often leave a scar on my heart,
 a reminder that I am always difficult to love.

Falling

Of all people in this world,
Of all people i've met,
It is you.
For years had passed and never realize you are right infront of me.
Come and disappear,
But you never really go.
I never really mind of your busy life,
As when you came to me,
I know there is smile in my face,
And butterflies in my heart.
I can't call this love nor relationship
But
Why don't you stay?
I'm offering you.

Tachycardic.

That heart of mine
That lost all the rhythm and songs,
Suddenly start beating,
And I could hear it through my ears.
It was so loud,
That it interferes my concentration.
You are so fine.
So charmingly fine.
You appeared in my dreams countless of time,
And yet, you are unreachable.
How would a girl like me be with a man like you.

For all of the hearts being broken

All this while,
I was the heartbroken.
I was the one getting hurt.
And I was the one who were left behind.
Until then, I learn,
I'm the one who broke their heart.
I'm really sorry for those hearts I hurt,
For those love I denied,
And for all proposals I refused.
I thought I was ready for the next thing in life,
But I learnt, I wasn't ready for love.
He was a good man from a good family whom I prayed for these criteria every single day.
I learnt, what I prayed for, the Almighty will always give it to me but not everything I prayed for is compatible and suitable for me.
At this moment, at this stage of life.
And I realized, this is not a mere love story, not even a fairytale.
Life is beautiful, as its chapter unfold.
I learn to accept me and my flaws and my past and everything else.
I'm in love with myself and Him.
For now, my prayer is to let life flows on its own.
I can't force love and no one could.
I've made istikharah twice (in a period of time) and lesson from it was:
1. Ask Him, and He will always answer.
2. The answer is in your heart and go with your instinct.
3. Sometimes, the answer lies on your parents' guidance. They know you more than you know yourself.
4. Never feel burden with your answer, for it came from The Almighty.
5. If both of you were meant for each other, Allah will move both of their heart and not only one heart.

You can't force your instinct and heart.
However, it still doesn't feel good to hurt someone.
That sometimes it haunt me.
I'm really sorry because I know how hurt it was.

The symptoms.

Those thoughts of that special person,
Spreading in my heart,
It makes the heart beat so fast,
Created adrenaline rush all over the body,
It built butterflies flying all over the stomach
And all my limbs started to feel cold for excitement,
And suddenly with just one thought of the words we spoke last night,
Made me smile involuntarily
And I can't help but to smile and sometimes laugh all by myself.
Those feeling of flying when both of our feet still hold onto the ground,
And the happiness you can't resist
As if it was a beautiful dream,
And a wonderful gift,
All these feelings and symptoms,
All has long gone from me.
And I'm writing it here to makes me remember,
Because somehow,
I almost forget this feeling.
Not that I don't want to but I couldn't feel it though.
And it makes me feel,
Less human.