Submission.

Assalamualaikum..
It's been a while.
A lot has happened,
I am still here in Sabah.
As I've finished my PRP and waiting for my placement,
everyone keep asking me, "are you coming back to Semenanjung? Where did you choose for your next placement?"
And at first my answer was "still Sabah"
Both of my parents have a very different opinion towards each other.
Umi wants me to be back at Selangor *specifically Selangor*
and Abah know that I still want to stay here do think that it is still a good choice.
Therefore, on the day that I filled the placement form, I was contemplating but I wrote a very spontaneous decision.
I choose Selangor as my first choice instead of filling the name of hospitals in Sabah.
I did it for my parents.
There are one time when I went back home,
out of no where when we were discussing about Sabah,
Abah said to me " Kak Nurul bawak diri kan kat Sabah?"
I am all recovered but I have to agree that one of the reason why I am here because I need to heal.
Atleast I am so far away from everything that wound and hurt me.
And afterall I am recovered.
Thus, I put Selangor as my first choice.
I love it here but I don't really belong here.
I belong with my family.
However, I dont even know if I am ready to go back.
Later on, I did what I did best,
I rely it to Allah. He knows best.
If it was meant to be, if it was the perfect timing for me to go back home, than it is time to be back home or even Semenanjung.
And wherever I go and wherever He put me, it is always because He know I could do it.
Everything happened for a reason and He will always have a reason to put me where I am and where will I be at.

Thantophobic

That one day,
That one friend asked me on something that happened around us,
She asked me,
"You observed all that and why you keep it all by yourself?
We are all so closed that I thought we are open to discuss on anything that hurt us.."
Thing about me, I am really honest about my feeling,
I never lie if you asked me about it,
but I will never be the first person to tell about it to you.
Especially when things upset me and it hurt me too much.
And I told her,
" It is not that I never tell, but no one ever take it seriously. Afterall, I can't force people to love me. Furthermore, I'm leaving soon. Everything will be better"
" You shouldn't kept it by yourself. Poor you. I thought you didn't realize anything or you never cared about it. Express yourself. Please."
" It is just me. Let it go. It already happened."
" Seriously, tell us how you feel. I thought we can talk about anything"
" This is what I am. There are two kind of people that will never leave me, my family and my bestfriends. And things are always like this for me. I was never that person that everyone would look into first and after some times, everyone will just leave. It happened a lot of time before. Things are going on so great and suddenly poof, everything's gone. Like what I said, I can't force people to stay.
" Please, don't think like that."
"I'm leaving soon. It all will be better and I will always start over again"
" That is the reason why you have problem with commitment and that is why you are comfortable with someone that did not give you commitment."
"Maybe"
"It's okay but next time, tell me, tell us aout everything.It's okay. We'll be there."
.........
but she never really opened up herself to them.
Caused she know sooner or later, we are all gonna leave.

broke me

I always win in every area of life,
A good family,
A good friend,
A good education,
A good job,
A good surroundings,
*Alhamdulillah*
I win in everything if all that is considered winning except love.
And I always lose to another women.
Always.
....................

I broke my own heart,
for a hope that is hopeless,
for something that never begin
and something that is never intended,
how random everything happened,
that my mistake was to fall,
to the only person that able to make me feel again,
to a person that could bring back the warm feeling of care,
to smile just when I saw his name on the screen,
to just want to share a good movie I just watch,
and just to have a random conversation on anything,
to understand his hobbies and why he love it,
to just want to say something even if he never reply,
And to just pray to Him whenever I terribly miss that person.
The fact that he's happy with someone that is not me,
it broke me,
and ofcourse it makes me cry.
but yet, I hope he's happy.
And again, I always know when to leave,
and when I leave, I know I'll never come back.
One thing for sure,
each time I leave, I'll never be the same person again.
And it often leave a scar on my heart,
 a reminder that I am always difficult to love.

Falling

Of all people in this world,
Of all people i've met,
It is you.
For years had passed and never realize you are right infront of me.
Come and disappear,
But you never really go.
I never really mind of your busy life,
As when you came to me,
I know there is smile in my face,
And butterflies in my heart.
I can't call this love nor relationship
But
Why don't you stay?
I'm offering you.

Tachycardic.

That heart of mine
That lost all the rhythm and songs,
Suddenly start beating,
And I could hear it through my ears.
It was so loud,
That it interferes my concentration.
You are so fine.
So charmingly fine.
You appeared in my dreams countless of time,
And yet, you are unreachable.
How would a girl like me be with a man like you.