Every Action has Reaction

by gems of jannah:
A sister sought advice after having had her heart broken, 6 months on still struggling with the same pain. -

It's common for sisters to have their hearts broken, the promise of marriage is always flung around like a handkerchief, so many unfulfilled promises and broken trusts, brothers must reflect over their actions. Whenever you are about to do something which has the possibility of hurting someone, remember that a day will come when you will have to stand before Allah and He will question you about these relentless actions of yours. Remember every action has a reaction. And a bad action tends to create a bad reaction. Sisters, don't be fooled, don't just hand your heart over to anyone. Someone who isn't willing to take the halal approach is not worth the pain, not even an ounce of it. -

May Allah make it easy for those who are suffering from heartache, and protect the hearts of the sincere believers. Ameen. 

Of Demam and Teary eyes

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Assalamualaikum..
I'm not having a fever. Alhamdulillah been doing fine.
There is a reason for the title above.
I have this particular response when someone asked me 'Are you okay? Demam ke? Nampak tak sihat.' Or just with a gesture of putting their hand on my forehead to check my temperature, I will always feels like crying afterwards and always I will not answer their question.
I mean, I didn't say anything about having a fever or headache, but then someone noticed that I'm not fine. I just feels like crying and sometimes I will just avoid them and really cry.
This happened again few days back but not because I'm having a fever.
It did happened few times though for the past few months through out this 'phase'.
I'm actually quite hesitate to put this up on blog for few reasons, but I guess I'm just going to go for it.

So, last few days, as I read through blogs, I randomly read that an old friend wrote that she misses me and ayat akhir dia,
" Aku rindu salwa,aku rindu dayah...
Dua org kawan aku yg sgt tabah..."
I honestly burst into tears reading that dan aku kat luar waktu baca tu depan ramai orang.
Perasaan dia sama macam waktu orang tanya aku demam ke tak?

I miss matrix too. I miss you too. All this while.
Betul cakap kau, waktu matrix persahabatan tu everything.
Sepanjang aku kat university, aku selalu compare value of friendship yang ada waktu matrix tu tak sama.
We have each other all the time.
Kau dengar cerita aku selalu walaupon merepek, aku dengar kisah kau.
Rindu pegi koop, kongsi beli kek coklat, beli air tembikai, buat jahat boikot dinner asrama, pegi Ulu Bendul, panjat bukit, jogging, buka puasa kongsi sebungkus nasi.
Rindu. Seronok sangat.
Aku ada satu album yang khas untuk matrix. Kisah aku, kau, aras 4 dan semua sebab kenangan tu berharga.
Kita gaduh beberapa tahun lepas. Atau salah faham. Entah. Tapi atas sebab kebodohan aku sendiri.
Honestly, aku tak setabah yang semua orang nampak aku.
Aku masih bertarung hari-hari.
Getting better tapi masih sedang berusaha jadi tabah, sabar.
Pernah jugak aku fikir, kalaulah kau tak kenalkan aku dengan dia, kalau aku dengar cakap kau, mesti semua tak jadi macam ni.
Tapi aku tak pernah salahkan kau sebab satu masa dulu, aku pernah happy dengan dia dan itu pilihan aku sendiri.
Afterall, ini takdir aku. Rancangan Allah untuk aku, pengajaran terbesar untuk aku. Semuanya ada hikmah tersendiri.
Lepas kita gaduh, aku nangis. Aku harap kau faham waktu tu.
Aku masih mengikuti perkembangan kau, mungkin kau tak tahu,
Tapi aku tahu sedikit sebanyak kisah kau.
Bila kau stress, ada masalah,
Aku harap aku ada untuk kau waktu tu untuk bagi semangat kat kau macam waktu dulu,
Risau bila kau sedih, stress dan ada masalah,
Tapi aku taknak jadi sebab untuk kau sedih lagi dan keadaan dulu mungkin kau tak anggap aku kawan kau.
Aku tak tahu nak tegur kau macamana, rasa bersalah tu masih ada dalam diri aku even sampai hari ni.
Sebab tu, perkara pertama yang aku buat bila semuanya berakhir adalah cari kau dan seorang lagi wanita yang pernah terluka satu masa dulu untuk mohon maaf. Waktu tu, aku cakap, ini yang diorang rasa satu masa dulu.
Sampai sekarang, aku masih doakan supaya kau happy selalu disamping orang yang kau sayang.
Kau dah lalui macam-macam termasuklah masalah dengan aku, masalah study, masalah cita-cita.
You deserves to be happy, my friend.
Bila kau rasa sesuatu tu layak untuk dipertahankan, pertahankan dan usahakan.
Rasa lemah, tak kuat, jatuh terduduk, nangis itu normal walau sekuat mana kita pernah jadi dulu.
Contohnya pada aku tapi rasional pada situasi, jangan emosi.
Ujian hanya untuk mengingatkan yang Allah masih memegang taqdir kita sejauh mana kita merancang.
Jangan terlalu genggam sesuatu dengan kuat,
Sebab sekuat mana genggaman, Allah dah pegang qada' dan qadar kita.
Yakin pada Dia.
Tengok pada pertemuan kita misalnya. Terlalu banyak pengajaran dan hikmah.
InsyaAllah, kalau kau yakin minta pada Dia selalu.
Tanamkan kepercayaan, jangan terlalu risau.
Minta Allah jaga.
Kalau dia, InsyaAllah dia.
Can't believe that I actually tell you to trust someone when my past is just so bad when I trusted someone in a long distance relationship and here I am, betrayed and broken,
but for me, trust is the root of any relationship.
Know that you worth your own happiness my dear.
Jangan letak kebahagiaan pada manusia lain,
Be the happiness in you.
Satu lagi, macamana tawa begitulah tangisan, ia bukan sesuatu yang kekal.
I'm still sorry and I miss you.
Harap kau tak delete or deactivate your blog after this entry. Bukan niat nak menyibuk, tapi kau tetap kawan aku macam apa yang aku pernah cakap dulu.
And maaf lagi sekali kalau terover bagi sepatah dua kata atau menyibuk.
You deserves to be happy after all that happened last few years.
Aku sentiasa doakan kau, Huda. InsyaaAllah.

"Rezeki ni Allah dah tentukan untuk kau. Jangan risau. Jangan bergantung kat Umi and Abah. Mintak pada Dia. Dia dah ada semua jalan untuk kau." -(Abah, 2015)

Life Lesson #1- Umi and kitten

Assalamualaikum..

Surprised surprised!
This is definitely not a picture of me and late Nini.
I posted this picture days ago but everyone thought it was arwah Nini.
She's my new cat that look almost the same as Nini.
I went to Cat Show last Saturday with Umi to find a new kitten as Umi said she's bored, Olie and Lily are not as playful as before as they are older,
thus we went to the Cat show in Centro, Klang which supposedly start at 10am.
Upon arrival at the place, there are only one cat displayed for sale.
We had beforehand aimed for a calico as this one pet shop posted her picture on the FB page.
As we waited there are a lot of cat's buyer waited with us but there are no sight of cats at the moment.
I told Umi, "Nanti kalau ada kucing lawa mesti ramai yang berebut kan? Mesti tak dapat."
Both Umi and I doesn't like to fight and argue anything with a stranger.
Then after I said that, Umi told me," kalau memang rezeki kita, tetap rezeki kita..kau tak payah risau"
Almost 12pm, Umi wanted to leave as there were no signs of cats for sale or to let go,
but then we went to the booth to buy some cat's flea medication.
At the booth, we asked the booth's owner if she sells cats as the lady owns a pet shop, the owner is very friendly and she said that her cats is on the way here and she's actually the one selling the calico we saw on the page.
Thus we decided to wait again, this time there are a lot of people coming and asked the lady about the cats.
It was almost 0130pm when the cat's finally arrived and everyone is fixed on the Calico we want but that lady owner immediately gave her to me to hold and the lady told everyone that she was reserved by us.
She is very manja and she look exactly like Nini. Umi and I immediately agree.
She is so adorable and very attached to people.
I am very happy and satisfied with her despite I have to trained her to go to the toilet for her 'business', estimate when she's gonna do her 'business', and etc,
I asked Umi again,
'Orang tu nak jual dia since she was 2-3months old but how come no one wants to buy her? She's pretty and way too adorable'
Umi once again told me,
"Kan umi dah kata, memang rezeki kita.. macam Lily, dulu kita ambil kat pasar berkurap, korang pon pelik tengok umi bawak dia balik tapi itu Allah kata rezeki dan jodoh kita dengan dia."
Which is true, when Umi bought Lily home, her skin is FULLY covered with kurap but Umi said, she only saw Lily's pretty blue eyes. When we put ointment on her, her skin started to dried up and she almost look like a sphynx or a big rat but right now, she's so fluffy, fat and cute with her crossed-eyes.

"Apa yang kita punya, tetap kita punya. Jangan risau."
This is a lesson that we have to hold on to.
Kadang-kadang, kita risau tak bertempat,
takut,
takut tak dapat, takut terlepas,
takut hilang.
Kalau memang rezeki kita, macamana susah pun, InsyaAllah kita punya.
Senyumlah.

Of brokenhearts and people around them.

Assalamualaikum.
This is a not exactly a story about what I'm going through.
It's a story of who I will become.
I watched a korean reality show, Human Condition for both male and female version,
It was a fascinating informative show on how to change into a good way of living including your health, lifestyle, environment, bad habit and etc.
Then, I get interested in the love line between Jimin and Gyeonghwan which lead me to a talk show called Mamma Mia which includes celebrities and their mothers.
The episode that I watched was "Did my daughter have a good eye on man?"
Most of the celebrities's mother voted for no except for this one anchor who is married.
Jimin was once revealed her relationship with a fellow comedian and the entire nation knows that those relationship had ended.
Jimin was wounded and so disturbed for the first three months of the break up. Jimin's mother told that she was really worried and sad to see her daughter in pain.
Jimin then told that she could not get into another relationship right now as she is the type that will give her all to her partner to the extend that she might stop working.
When Jimin told another story on how she waited for her ex-boyfriend infront of the apartment after the break up, make her mother's face change worried, like really worried.
These also happened the same to the other celebrities's mother on the show.
Some even cried remembering how their precious daughter was broken by the wrong man.
At the end of the show, one of the mother read an advice for all of them.
She cried while reading the advice. She said she hope their daughter will be cherish by a man that truly love them and care for them.
This touch my heart a lot because I am reminded by my own parents during my 'depression' phase.
For me the first few months after the break up was really hard.
It is not easy for me.
I can't sleep at night and I wake up early in the morning.
Everyday was a battle for me.
Struggling really hard, in between being strong and being weak.
Umi's first question after I told her everything was,
"Kalau dia nak balik kat kau, kau akan terima dia balik?"
I realized now, that question shows a lot.
It meant that she was very worried if I'm gonna make a same mistake again and getting hurt again.
Umi and Abah both never against my relationship back then,
Umi was the one that always communicate with him back then especially when we wanna go out.
Abah never said anything about my break up but sometimes he showed it when something related to him appeared.
Both Abah and Umi was the one that forced me to eat when I don't have the appetite to eat anything,
that allowed me to cook just anything and do anything including stupid things that I want after the break up.
Looking back at all this, it tears me up.
I was wounded and broken, but the one that truly love me was in pain too to see me like that.
I was selfish and stupid to put myself in a situation to be broken.
I was so blind to realized and allowed it to happened.
This is a lesson that give me so much to understand about life.
I'm not going to let them see me in pain again.
I'm so much stronger now.
Whenever I told Umi of what happened with my friends and if their situation is similar with me, Umi will always respond,
"Kesian korang.. Tak apalah..ada yang lebih baik. Lagi baik daripada yang orang yang salah"
True. It is so much better than being in a wrong relationship.
Atleast I'm happier now.
If I am meant to get married and have a children,
I will definitely going to teach them to respect other people's heart,
because when you broke a person heart, you broke their parents's heart too.
Finding a husband for me will definitely not an easy task after what I've gone through.
When I'm ready, I'm ready.
No one would want to be single forever despite how independent I am.
I'm preparing to be better.
Better at cooking, better at housekeeping, better at being good to children, better at handling my anger and patience issue, better at my work, better at being a better Muslimah.
InsyaAllah.
Pray.

Light and darkness

"Without darkness, you won't be able to appreciate the lights."

Alhamdulillah.